The Past is the Past

I am at home to celebrate Mother’s Day with mi madre! I bought tickets for her to see Paul McCartney at the end of June. The tickets were $250 a piece, but it’s going to be worth it to see her so happy and excited about something. If I can buy myself a new $1300 laptop, I can buy my mom concert tickets to see someone she’s adored her entire life, you know?

Anyways…I’m embarrassed to say that I had another drunken episode with N last night. I went too far with the mixed drinks (vodka + orange juice + sprite), so what did I do? Oh yeah, I brought up issues from the past and started an argument. I also fought unfairly since I was drunk and couldn’t think about what I was saying. Luckily, I wasn’t too far gone and was able to salvage the night. N and I talked and settled things before bed, and we even had sex, too. He was pretty mad at me, so I’d say he’s pretty forgiving if he was able to let that go and show me love.

I hate that I keep disappointing him and myself. Fortunately, these “episodes” or whatever you want to call them are fewer and far between these days, but they shouldn’t happen ever. N thinks it’s the alcohol that is the problem…he thinks it affects me in a negative way and makes me become someone I’m not. I do become someone I’m not, but I wouldn’t say it’s alcohol’s fault. I have these deep rooted issues with N from before we dated that I can’t seem to let go. You know what things were like before we dated, so I won’t reiterate the problems, but for some reason, I can’t seem to understand that he’s not like that anymore. He chose me, I am his girlfriend of a year and a half, and he loves me unconditionally, fat rolls and all. He’s not the guy who dropped all contact with me for two months or who blew me off for friends or other women. All of that is history and old news, and that’s not what our story is anymore. I guess I’m afraid that somehow all of that could happen again, so I stay on the defensive and bring that stuff up after my inhibitions have been lowered. I bring it up as if to say, I haven’t forgotten what you’ve done to me before. But WHY do I do that? N has given me absolutely no reason to be defensive or afraid that history might repeat itself. I’m literally just creating a problem where there isn’t one. N has proven to me that he loves me and only me and that he wants a life with me. I know he’s not talking to other women and he is not or would not cheat on me. He’s practically with me 24/7, so I know what he’s up to, which is nothing! There is nothing there for me to be suspicious of or afraid of, so I’M literally the problem.

I need to let those old hurts go, but I can’t seem to do that. I’ve promised myself over and over that I won’t talk about the past, but I always seem to break that promise. I don’t know why I bring it up…it’s not productive in the slightest to do so. I need to forgive N in my heart for what happened in the past so I can move on and fully love the person he is now without causing problems and potentially ruining our relationship. I also need to DROP the whole porn issue. He’s a male, and he’s going to watch porn. Period. That being said, I vow to let the past and the porn issue go. The past is the past, and it is no longer relevant. N is a different person now, and he’s more than proved to me that he’s a loving, caring boyfriend who adores me. I forgive N for everything that has ever happened between us before we started dating. I forgive him. I’m letting go of all of those hurt feelings and pain because I don’t want them to hold me back from the present or jeopardize my future. I love N very much, and I think my lucky stars every day that he’s mine. I used to literally feel sick to my stomach that N wasn’t mine, but now he is! I need to treasure and cherish that fact, and do everything I can to nurture and protect our relationship so it can stay strong and last for the rest of our lives. I don’t want anyone else, and N is the one for me, so now I need to start acting like it.

Since I’ve shown myself to be a bit unhinged at times, now it’s my turn to prove myself to N. Now I have to prove to N that I have let the past go and that it’s no longer an issue for me. I’m not going to bring up the past and I’m going to think before I speak so I don’t cause needless arguments. Before I speak, I’ll ask myself, “Is this helpful?”. If it’s not, I need to just SHUT THE F UP. I also will be better about controlling my alcohol intake and being aware of my limits. I can’t just throw them back and expect to be ok. No, I have to have limits and stick to them so I can stay in control. I’m 26 years old…it’s time to stop being a belligerent drunk. Being frequently drunk is no longer ok. I’m an adult with a full time job, and I need to stop acting like a teenager. I need to act my age by being more mature and responsible with alcohol. I don’t want something as stupid as alcohol to ruin the best thing that has ever happened to me, the ONE thing that I have wanted for so, so long. Not only do I have a boyfriend for the first time, but it’s N!! N is THE ONE I have always wanted but never thought I’d have, but now he IS! I should be boundlessly grateful every day for what I have been given and do everything in my power to keep it. Not every one is so lucky in this life.

In other news, one of my best friends is pregnant. She’s 6 weeks along and due at the end of December. Seeing all of my friends move forward in their relationships by getting engaged, married, and having babies makes me a little depressed because I know that that won’t be happening for N and I anytime soon. N claims he wants to get married, but I don’t seem him ever actually doing anything (i.e., proposing) to make that happen. I’m also disheartened by the fact that N still says he probably doesn’t want kids. I finally got it out of him the other day about why he feels that way, and apparently he’s afraid history will repeat itself and his kid will have a tumultuous childhood like he did. N had a rough childhood with an explosive father, his parents divorcing and remarrying less than ideal people, frequent moving, bad friends, etc. He said he doesn’t want to put a child through the hell he went through. I explained to him that our child wouldn’t be doomed to repeat his childhood because the circumstances are different. The child will have different parents (who aren’t getting married at 19 due to an accidental pregnancy), live in a different town, have its own personality, etc etc. There’s no way our child will have a childhood like his. I told him that his poor childhood could actually inspire him to make sure that his child has a great childhood that is opposite of what his was. He can be the father his wasn’t, we can provide the stability that his parents didn’t, etc. I told him it is a chance to rewrite history! He said what I said made total sense and he hadn’t thought of it that way. He then said that we would make a beautiful baby, which we would. :) So, I guess I can be somewhat hopeful that we might have a baby together one day, but it definitely won't be any time soon. I’ve got to get him to put a ring on it first!

11:41 p.m. - Saturday, May. 09, 2015


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