Disappointment Sucks

I'm bored out of my mind at work, so I figured I could use this time to get out some thoughts. What I'll end up writing probably won't be anything I haven't said before. I never seem to have new thoughts these days...it's always the same old problems, over and over again.

My current repetitive thought is that I'm not a good girlfriend. I think I royally suck at it. Instead of keeping my mouth shut whenever N does something I find annoying, repulsive, immature, etc., I usually let him know about it. Last night was no exception. I was feeling emotional last night because I feel like I don't get to see my mom that much anymore. N and I visit our families every other weekend (our mom's live 5 minutes away from each other), but I usually end up spending so much time with his family that it doesn't leave that much time with my mom. I feel guilty about that. However, N rarely spends time with my family in return, which is why I feel like I'm always the one sacrificing time with my family to be with him and see his family. I could just say that I'll go visit my mom without him, but why can't he ever just come with me for once? N has spent time with my family a handful of times-probably less than 10. I've spent so much time with his family that they know me really well and even want me to go to Italy with them this summer.

Anyways, I was feeling sad about not seeing my mom, so I was thinking that maybe we could go visit her and cookout at the lake and stuff. As soon as I mentioned that I was thinking about going home for the weekend, N immediately texted his guy friend to see if he'd be free to hang out this weekend. I told N that I would want him to go with me to see my mom, not stay behind and have a guy weekend filled with beer and ball scratching. Of course, the mere idea of him having to put aside his plans (that he didn't even have until 2 seconds after I mentioned visiting my mom) to do something for me to make me feel better is asking too much. He always puts himself and his family first. He won't come with me to visit my mom because he'd rather hang out with his guy friend. He won't visit my family because he's too busy visiting his family, though I always make the time and effort to see his family.

While N is very sweet and affectionate to me every day, I feel like he disappoints me and lets me down when it really matters. It's one thing to kiss me and hug me every day, but it's another to put aside your own plans to be there for your girlfriend when she's feeling down. Anyways, I was disappointed and hurt that, yet again, he put himself first. I couldn't help but say things that I shouldn't. I told him I was disappointed in him because he never spends time with my family when I ALWAYS spend time with his family, and he jumped all over me, saying that he has spent time with my family. OOO, a handful of visits, whoopdeedo! I got so frustrated with him because he wasn't admitting that I spend way much more time with his family than he does with mine, so I called him a stupid person. I'll admit I may have even wanted to hit him in his stupid face. It just infuriated me how he had things so twisted in his mind. In his mind, he's never done anything wrong and he's the world's best boyfriend to me. I may have also told him that I hate him sometimes and that he's not the person I want to be with. Yeah, ouch. No matter, he always becomes petty and makes up stuff about me to throw in my face since I'm saying things about him.

Sometimes, I really do wonder if I even love him, like truly love him. I know there's something there, but is it really love? If I loved him, why would I dislike so many things about him and try to control him? Maybe I was just so infatuated with him when we first started fooling around because he was my first. He was my first sexually and he's my first boyfriend. Maybe he's just a learning experience and not the real deal? No, I shouldn't say that. I'm just upset.

I do love him. It's just sad when the people you love disappoint you. Oh well, I guess that's life.

11:14 a.m. - Thursday, Apr. 30, 2015


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