Boys Are Nasty

It's true what they say about being careful what you wish for because you just might get it. What have I always longed for and whined and cried about not having? A boyfriend. Well, I certainly have one now, and we're going on almost a year and a half of dating, not to mention he moved in with me shortly after we began dating.

I love N, I definitely do, but now I understand why people who have been together for a long time say that there WILL be times when you want to kill each other. I don't know what it is lately, but N has been annoying the hell out of me, so much so I just don't even want to be around him. N is very much a guy, so he's constantly burping and farting, which I find just gross. I guess growing up in a house of all females who didn't do gross stuff like that has made me just repulsed by that kind of stuff. I get that people get gas, but guys INTENTIONALLY fart. They're nasty!

Even worse, they're obsessed with their peens and can't keep their hands off of them for even a minute. I recently discovered that the reason why N takes so long in the bathroom every morning is because he's in there rubbing one out after he takes a dump! How sick is that? By the way, I may or may not have learned that information by peeking through a crack in the bathroom door. I'm insane, right? But there he was, tugging away. It literally made me ill, and for some reason, livid. Here I was thinking that he goes to the bathroom for so long every morning because coffee upsets his stomach. I can understand that, it practically gives me the runs, too (TMI, sorry). Little did I know that when he says, "I'm off to the bathroom, my stomach hurts," he's actually going to beat off. Even more infuriating, he lied to my face and said he was not doing that, even though I KNOW he was (I had seen him, after all). I don't know what my problem is with this...I know all guys do it because that's their number one goal in life, to get off. It just made it worse that he so vehemently denied what he had been doing. He eventually admitted it, but obviously the bigger problem is me.

Why do I have such a problem with my boyfriend masturbating? Masturbation is a normal, healthy thing. I guess I just feel like since I don't feel the need to do it anymore since I have a boyfriend with whom I have sex frequently, why does he need to still do it? I am always willing to be with him in that way. I have never turned him down because of being tired, feeling fat, etc. We do it whenever he's in the mood. So, it's not that he's unsatisfied, but I just feel like maybe he is because he's still sneaking off to go do that every morning and then lying about it. Or maybe I'm just not good enough for him and he still needs more. Obviously, I'm making this about me when it's not about me at all. I'm aware that masturbating is NORMAL. I have a problem with it because I clearly have self-esteem issues. I just hate that men are wired the way they are, constantly wanting to get their cocks off. It just makes me ill. I think growing up without a man in the house and hearing my mom's (negative) view of men has primed me to hate men. That's unfortunate, but I can't seem to help how I feel. I don't want to be jealous that my boyfriend is masturbating BY HIMSELF in our bathroom. He's not cheating on me with another woman or even looking at porn, for pete's sake (although I've caught him at that, too, and that makes me feel even worse).

If I'm going to be with a man long-term, I've got to get over the gross things that they do. I don't like it, but I can't change it. Ugh, why does this BOTHER me so much?? I really hate how I'm wired sometimes. I really do. I don't want to care about this stupid shit! Ughhhhhhhhhhh

11:59 p.m. - Friday, Feb. 27, 2015


previous - next

latest entry





other diaries: