Well, the fun of my visit home didn't last for long. My mom has been on my case about buying a house, even though I have calmly explained that I do not want to buy a house at this time. I wake up this morning and what's the first thing she shows me from the Sunday paper? Mortgage rates, and how "historically low" they are. Yes, the mortgage rates are historically low right now. However, I'm an unmarried 26 year-old who JUST started her first full-time job! I don't have enough money saved up to buy a house, plus isn't that something people usually do when they're married? Apparently not, according to my mom. When I, yet again, explained that I am not buying a house until I have more money and am married, she got huffy and said something all the lines of, "well that'll never happen because N is dragging his feet."

So, then the conversation got even more fun and soul warming by discussing N and how she doesn't think he's sincere or committed to me. Since he's already "moved in" on me (like I had no say in the matter) and we're already "playing house," well, we should just get married right now. She thinks our plan of getting married within 3 years is just so N can drag his feet and not commit, and apparently she thinks he won't actually commit at the end of those 3 years. She thinks N is just stringing me along and will end up breaking my heart. It doesn't matter that he is my boyfriend and that he tells me he loves me every day and is always so sweet to me. Nope, because he hasn't proposed after only dating a year, his intentions must not be pure. Of course, I got upset and cried because I just couldn't understand why she doesn't trust me when I say that N IS sincere and that we WILL get married one day. She doesn't like "one day". She wants it to happen NOW, and since it's not, she's not pleased.

SIgh. I don't know what to do or think. She claims she has my best interests at heart, but she's the only one who makes me feel bad about my solidly great relationship. I don't see how that's helpful. But what if she's right? What if N doesn't want to commit to me? When I initially told N that I would like to be married by age 30, he freaked out and said that he doesn't like the pressure of having a deadline. He still says that sometimes. 3 years really isn't a strict "deadline". So, maybe he really doesn't want to commit to me. Maybe he really did just want to let things go as is for as long as possible.

I guess I'm not special enough to make a guy want to marry me. Wow, I've changed my tune quite a bit since my last entry, haven't I? Guys who truly know that their girlfriend is "the One" don't waste time about getting engaged. Guys who know that their girlfriend is the One can't wait to propose and get married, even if it is a big, scary step. Maybe N doesn't feel that way about me. I know he doesn't want to get married any time soon. He knew he wanted to get married and have kids with his ex-girlfriend, but he doesn't seem to want any of that with me. He says we'll get married and he even talks about "our wedding," but talk is cheap, right? He also has turned a 180 and doesn't want kids. He wanted kids with his ex, but not anymore. Maybe he doesn't want kids now that he's not with his ex? Maybe he only wanted children with her. He was so sure about marriage and kids with her. I've asked him about that before and he said I can't compare his relationship with her to ours...it's kind of hard not to when he suddenly doesn't want things he used to want.

Well, I've gone and really made myself feel bad, haven't I? I went from being so happy and sure about things last night to feeling sad and doubtful about what N really feels about me and our future. Maybe he really doesn't want me in that way after all, and he's just seeing how long he can get away with leaving the situation as is. I guess I shouldn't be surprised, if that is the case. Who was I to think that someone actually wanted me in that way? I got too cocky and confident just because I have a boyfriend who lives with me. Maybe that's all I'll ever have, is a boyfriend who lives with me. There'll be no engagement ring, no wedding, no husband, no kids. Oh well.

12:02 p.m. - Sunday, Feb. 01, 2015


previous - next

latest entry





other diaries: