Not This

Maybe I was right about these anxiety pills...I just don't feel like me anymore. I am now so paranoid and so easily upset by STUPID things that this can't possibly be what I really feel. I just feel like I can't even be happy because I'm always worrying about such nonsense. I thought these pills was supposed to help?? Ugh, forget SSRIs, just give me opiates.

As a result, I screw things up with N more and more each week. Maybe I'm just not cut out to be in a relationship because I'm too insecure and sensitive. Maybe I should just become a nun and go live in a monastery somewhere. Maybe it's the interaction between my anxiety medicine and the alcohol that's been making me such a monster when I drink too much...I'm not trying to make excuses, I'm just trying to find a reason why I've been acting so far out of character lately.

All I know is that I'm not any fun anymore. I really don't know what the appeal is for N anymore...I used to be the stable one consoling him and offering him advice, and now it's the other way around. I'm the unstable one and he's the one with his head on straight. While N is very forgiving after my monstrous episodes of late, what if he decides not to forgive me one day? That very well could happen, and I'll end up all alone like I've always been. Ending up all alone is what I've always feared, so you would think I would toe the line and not act like a crazy maniac, yet I can't seem to help it. I'm consumed with obsessive thoughts that make me sick to my stomach, thoughts that make me hate N and then tell him exactly that in a drunken rage. It's really scary and, like I said, NOT ME.

Or, what if this is me? What if I just truly am a hateful, horrible, miserable person? What if my true personality is just now truly kicking in and coming into form? If so, I don't like this me. I don't want to be this me. I want to be the old me, the patient, kind, caring me. Not this.

1:18 p.m. - Tuesday, Nov. 25, 2014


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