Let It Go (No, not the song from Frozen)

That stupid depressed feeling has come back again. I just don't feel like I'm worth anything, especially when it comes to my boyfriend. We spent most of the weekend apart visiting our mothers, and I just knew N took the opportunity to stay up late and jerk off to porn since he had a room to himself for once. After having sex this morning, N expressed how it had been a week since we'd last had sex. I "jokingly" replied that it was ok since he probably had plenty of fun with his porn over the weekend. He responded, "Don't ask questions you don't want the answers to." Bingo.

I don't know WHY I have such a hard time with the porn thing. I know all men do it because they're slaves to their cocks, blah blah. Yeah, yeah, plenty of women look at it, too. I get it. I don't care about other people, I just care that my boyfriend looks at it. This whole thing probably has more to do with me hating myself than anything. Since I'm insecure and hate myself, I can't stand the thought that there are other women out there that N thinks about in a sexual way. My own insecurities about myself are reinforced because clearly I'm not enough for N if he still needs and wants to jerk off to other women. I'm pretty sure he gets off more to porn than he does with me. When he used to work part time, I bet he jerked off so many times during the day. In fact, I know he did because a few times he was unable to perform with me due to jerking it too much, he admitted. He admitted it!!! I just feel like he prefers porn to me, hence why he tries to get away with looking at it while I'm busy in the next room or have run out for 10 seconds to check the mail.

Ugh, I know I sound like such a broken record because I probably have said all of these same exact words before. Nothing is new here. Nothing has changed. N still looks at porn and I still hate myself, which means I still can't "let go" of the fact that he looks at porn. Why can't I just accept it? Oh yeah, the self hatred bit. I just don't even feel like I'm worth being in a relationship. I'm clearly not good at it because I have my own stupid problems that are getting in the way and making me shut down emotionally towards my boyfriend. I just get depressed and don't even want to be around him because I'll just come across as a cold bitch because my feelings are hurt about some stupid porn. I'm useless! Utterly useless. N will eventually get fed up with me and my weird hang ups and just toss me for good, and I won't blame him. Oh, well.

8:37 p.m. - Tuesday, Nov. 18, 2014


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