I'm not cut out to be in a relationship. A relationship is what I've always wanted, but I'm finding that men are gross disappointments.

N came home from work today and immediately started looking at porn on his computer. His excuse? He didn't know I was home. (I had been lying on the couch napping in full view when he came home). I only saw it because I was in the room when he was shutting down his computer and had to close out several internet windows, several of which revealed naked women. He knows that his looking at porn makes me uncomfortable, but he doesn't care. He's just a disgusting male who always has to service his dick 24/7.

While down on the coast for my interview, a few days ago, N and I got into an argument about getting married and having kids. As a joke, I mentioned that I wanted to get married by 30 and he freaked out, saying I was putting pressure on him by giving him a deadline. Umm, if he's in this for the "long haul" like he claims he is, then talk of marriage should not freak him out. However, it did. Talk of ONE kid freaked him out even more, so I don't even feel like we're on the same page with life goals. He says he wants to be with me forever, but he can't even commit to proposing to me in 5 years time, despite his adamant claims that he's in this for the long haul. That makes me have a LOT of doubts.

I don't anticipate finding anyone else, and I don't want anyone else. But, I find that more days than not, N annoys me or upsets me in some kind of way. And as previously mentioned, we don't even have the same life goals of wanting to get married and have a family. Maybe I'm wasting my time with him and should just cut him loose and be alone and miserable, like I was before. I'll become an alcoholic or a prescription pill popper, either one to numb the pain of being utterly alone and desperately sad. I could have N forever if I wanted, but so far, it doesn't seem to be making me truly, 100% happy. We get along about 80% of the time, but I just get so sad and depressed sometimes. Catching him looking at porn all the time doesn't help because it just further reinforces that I'm unwanted and that he'd rather be turned on by women on the internet.

I should have known that I would never be enough for anyone. I'm just the same loser I was before; a loser who should be alone.

9:11 p.m. - Saturday, May. 31, 2014


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