Crushed Heart

I'm too tired to explain everything in full detail, so I'm just going to get right to it.

Certain circumstances led me to find a draft email N wrote to his ex girlfriend on November 29th, 2013. By November 29th 2013, N had been broken up with his ex girlfriend for 2 1/2 years. At that point, he had been my boyfriend for 2 months and he had already moved in and lived with me for 1 month...


Not only that, but what the email said totally crushed and destroyed my heart. In a nutshell, the email said that he missed having his ex in his life because his life was richer with her in it, and he was thankful he even got to know her at all. She was his best friend, mentor, and counselor. He wrote that while he has been doing well since they've been apart, he still thinks of her from time to time. He mentioned that he's dating me and that I make him happy and we have fun together, but it's "not the same" with me. He reminded her that true love never dies.

I literally was physically ill when I read that email. I came across it right before work one morning, so by the time I got to work, I was so worked up that I had to run to the bathroom for a "potty emergency". I felt absolutely sick and dreadful. Things had been going so well with N, spare the few minor ups and downs all relationships have, so this just blindsided me. It brought back all of those old fears of not being good enough for him...whenever we were "just friends," he would wail to me about being so lonely and desperate for love. I was right there in front of him the whole time and we obviously got along great and had so much fun together, so I didn't understand why he couldn't see us being together. Instead, he kept trying to find love with bimbos, older women, and dumb girls.

Obviously, he eventually snapped out of that and realized what we have together, but I still have always feared that I'm not enough for him, and that maybe he just settled for me because he was having no luck with anyone else. I've always been second choice, so why wouldn't that still be the case? This email confirmed that for me. Despite him being the catalyst for us entering into a relationship and him saying that he loves me everyday, here was PROOF that I'm not as good as his ex girlfriend. "It's not the same with her." Those words still haunt me.

Of course, I eventually had to confront N with what I had read. At first, he was angry and thought I had purposefully hacked his email and violated his privacy. How I found the email was truly an accident (he had signed in to his email on my PC which then synced to my phone...I went looking for a draft email on my phone and found his drafts instead of mine). I had to explain to him multiple times that it was an ACCIDENT that I had found this email. I also had to be blunt and say that clearly the real issue was not how I came to see the email. The issue was WHY he had even written such an email in the first place.

His explanation was this: He said we had not been together that long when he wrote it and he must have been feeling nostalgic for some reason. He said he hates "that bitch" and he feels nothing for her. Once I got him to calm down, I asked him to be honest with me. I was not mad at him for expressing his feelings in the email, I just wanted to know if what he said in the email is how he truly feels because if it is, then I don't want him to settle for me when he clearly wants something else, something he used to have with someone else and does not seem to have with me. He made it clear that that is NOT true at all and that I am all he wants because he loves me. He said he does not love his ex anymore. He looked directly into my eyes when he said that, and I could tell he was being sincere. He said he didn't know why he wrote that "stupid shit" and that he was "retarded." He explained that what we have is better than what he and his ex had in every way. He said his ex was hostile and liked to start arguments over anything, and she could be hateful and insulting, often calling him names and making him feel like shit. He said I'm nothing like his ex and that's a good thing. He also pointed out that he never actually sent the email. It was still sitting there in his drafts.

I could tell he was being honest and sincere, so I let the issue drop and we agreed to never mention that email again. I can't help but still think about it...I think those words are seared into my brain. I know N loves me, though, and that I am all he wants. He shows me that everyday through his actions and words. As soon as we're both home from work, we're practically physically attached. We constantly cuddle, kiss, tickle, and laugh together. We also randomly say I love you several times every single day. All of that stuff would be extremely hard to keep up if it were fake, so I believed him when he said that the email was just a stupid thing he did in a brief moment of nostalgia. I don't blame him; he and his ex were together for 4 years during the formidable years of his early 20s. Something that long lasting during such an important time in life is going to have some kind of lasting impact.

We had this big talk right before going to bed. Once asleep, N slept the whole night attached to my back, cuddling up to me. That's love, right? You can't really control your actions when you sleep, so if he's cuddling up to me and wrapping his arms around me so he can sleep peacefully with me in his arms, then that tells me all I need to know about how he really feels.

11:32 p.m. - Thursday, Apr. 17, 2014


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