I don't think I'm cut out to be in a relationship. Why? Because I want to be my boyfriend's one and only. I technically am, but guess what? All men look at P O R N. Hell, I even used to watch porn a lot. Youporn.com, man. Good stuff on there.

But since I've been in a relationship, I've had no desire to look at porn and I haven't. Why would I when I could get the real thing anytime I want? I have a boyfriend to satisfy those needs now. Sadly, that is not the case with my boyfriend (or men in general). He, of course, still looks at porn. That wouldn't be such a big deal, but I've accidentally "caught" him watching porn a few times now. One time I went to bed before he did, but I woke up when he came back in the room (I'm a light sleeper). I didn't stir, so he assumed I was still asleep and pulled up some porn on his laptop and just started tugging away at his junk. I couldn't see what was on the computer screen, but it was OBVIOUS what he was doing. I literally felt sick at what I was seeing and I couldn't move! I wanted to move around in the bed to make him think I might be waking up, but I was paralyzed. I couldn't stop watching and feeling sick. I eventually rolled over and acted like I was waking up, and through my barely open eyes, I saw him slip his erection back into his pajama pants. When I sleepily asked what he was doing, he quickly said, "nothing". RIIIIIIIIGHT. The next instance happened just this evening. I was in the kitchen making dinner when I went to our room to tell him dinner was almost ready, and there he was on the computer, looking at a big naked woman playing pool. I was like, "uhhh" and he quickly clicked over to another tab to hide what he had just been looking at. I made it clear that I had just seen what he was looking at and he said, "so?"

Yeah, so? What's the big deal? The big deal is just that I feel like I'm not even needed. I understand guys looking at porn when they're alone and stuff, but looking at porn when your girlfriend is in the next room?? To me, it's like he'd rather get turned on looking at these other women than me. Even though I was right there in the next room and I'm always willing and eager to satisfy his needs, he preferred women on the internet. It's also impacted our sex life a few times. He'll get off by himself so many times during the day that he can't get off with me when we have sex. Of course, he said it wasn't a big deal and went on and on about how all men look at porn. I didn't used to have a problem with it, but now it bothers me.

It probably bothers me because I've always had this fear that I'm not good enough for anyone. You start to think that when you get to age 24 and you've never had a boyfriend. I just wasn't good enough for anyone to want me. Luckily, I finally got a boyfriend and I've been really happy since N and I became a couple, but this is bringing me down. I feel like I am being reminded that once again, I am not good enough. I am not enough to satisfy my boyfriend's needs; he still needs to lust after naked women on the internet. He doesn't even need me.


8:50 p.m. - Thursday, Mar. 06, 2014


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