OH WELL (my motto)


N and I both drove the hour and a half home to the town both our mom's live in (they live about 5 minutes away from each other) for the weekend, and I just got back in. Things started well, but they didn't end well because I hate myself.

I went over to N's mom's house around 6 pm, and we just hung out and drank for a bit. Red wine for me, Guinness Extra Stout for him. The plan was for his stepdad to grill lamb (aww) and chicken on the grill, but he hadn't started grilling yet when I got there.

Before I got there, N had said all these nice things about missing me so much and just wanting me to be there with him, but when I got there, he didn't act glad to see me or anything. He just sat there eating chips and hummus and talking to his brother about some video game. So, I don't know, I just didn't feel that important. To cope with that, I just drank as quickly as I could without seeming obvious. It didn't help that the SAG Awards were on tv and N saw "his woman", Sofia Vergara. That didn't help my mood to see a beautiful woman that I'll never look like all decked out in an evening gown and dripping with jewels.

Anyways, I was pretty buzzed by the time dinner was ready. The dinner was great, though. We had grilled lamb and chicken, steamed broccoli, periogies, and mashed potatoes. Soooo good. After dinner, N and I went up to his brother's room to find a movie on Netflix. There was some kissing, but I couldn't help but think think about how he'd probably rather be with a woman other than me.

Whatever, so we started watching The Last House on the Left, or whatever that movie is with Jennifer Lawrence. I loooove Jennifer Lawrence, so that's mainly the reason why I'd said I'd watch it. It turned out to be a pretty crappy movie, but of course N just HAD to comment on how hot the 40 year old mother in the movie was. What's with him and older women??? As the movie went on, I just kept feeling lower and lower about myself, so much so that I cried a few times, not that N noticed. I just felt such shit about myself and I wondered why N was even with me if he likes all these other women so much. I'm just not even his type, so I was wondering for the millionth time why he's even with me.

The movie was pretty dreadful and it was getting towards the end, so I decided to leave and come home. I hadn't heard a peep out of N in ages, so I just assumed he was asleep even though I actually didn't look over at him to check (I was feeling too low about myself to even look at my boyfriend. Yes. Pretty sad.). He didn't say anything as I put on my shoes and left the room, so to me, that only confirmed that he had been asleep.

I left the house after saying goodnight to his mom and stepdad, and as I was driving down the road to go home (crying, mind), he called me. He was wondering why I had left without telling him, and I had to explain that I was tired and that I thought he had been asleep. He actually didn't believe me and thought I was going to see someone else because I had been texting throughout the movie. True, I had been texting. I texted my cousin and 2 other guys during the movie, but that's only because I was bored and felt lonely. N wasn't showing me any attention or affection, so I texted some guy friends of mine to see what they were up to, which was not much.

Anyways, I ended up hanging up on N, so as he was angrily texting me, I drove to the store and bought the big 1.5 L bottle of red wine that I had been used to drinking but haven't had in a few weeks. I bought it because I knew I wouldn't be able to buy it the next day since it would be Sunday. I don't know why I did that, especially since I'm trying to quit drinking. I guess it's because I wanted something to make me feel "better" tomorrow. I had been crying all the way from N's mom's house to the grocery store, so I'm sure I looked insane with my red eyes when I checked out with my big bottle of red wine. Oh well.

Once I got home, I hid the bottle of wine in my closet, so that's where it is for now. I also texted N a little bit, and I explained to him that I'm just feeling generally low and shit about myself and that I didn't mean to leave without telling him goodbye because I thought he had fallen asleep. He said he wants to know when I'm feeling bad because we're a team and he's always here for me. I guess he is really sweet, isn't he?

I kept having waves of sadness earlier today because my mom and her best friend were talking on the phone about money. They both are teachers with Master's degrees, so you would think they'd be financially well off, but that's not the case. If you ever get sick in this country, you are screwed. Even though my mom has had a good job, my dad getting sick and dying 16 years ago left a lot of medical bills and debt, which we haven't been able to get out of since. Since I'm on the verge of graduating from graduate school and getting a real job that starts at about $40K, they've been talking about how I'm going to be doing just fine in life with the job I'll have. I don't understand why they've been talking like that because I'll pretty much be making what they make (only a little less since I have 0 years of experience), and we've all heard how hard they've struggled on their salaries.

I asked my mom why they think I'll be so well off, and she said it's because I won't have a husband or a family to provide for; all of that money is mine. True, my mom and her best friend both had to try and support 3+ people on a teacher's salary, which was not easy. So, do they think I'll never get married or have a family of my own? I asked my mom that, and she said, "You've got to have a husband with a good job for all of that". I immediately felt crushed because N didn't go to college, so all he can do is minimum wage jobs, pretty much. He currently works in the pet grooming industry, and he hates it. Truly hates it. He's worked with dogs for years now (mostly pet sitting), but he really would rather not work with dogs anymore. He has been searching for other jobs, but nothing is turning up (because most jobs prefer SOME kind of education).

I'm not saying that N and I are going to get married, but CLEARLY I will not have a husband with a good job. When I thought about that, I realized that I probably won't ever have a family of my own. Not only does N not even want kids, but we wouldn't even be able to afford them. Even though I'll have a good job, that's not enough. To have kids and be able to get by in this country, both parents have to have good jobs, and that'll definitely not be the case for me. I'll be the "breadwinner" in this situation, and since I'll make just a little more than teachers do, that's definitely not enough to raise a family on. I would know because my mom is a teacher and has been a single parent for 16 years.

I guess it's actually a blessing in disguise that N doesn't want kids. We wouldn't be able to afford them, and I definitely don't want to end up like my mother, who is $20K in debt. Having her husband get sick and die really screwed her over, even though she has a good job. In this country, you can't afford for anything to go wrong. You're pretty much screwed if you or your spouse gets sick, somebody dies, and/or you get divorced. Since all three of those things are very likely, you're pretty much guaranteed to be in debt and have a horrible life. All of this is why I don't get why my mom and her best friend are so excited about me getting a "real" job. Sure, I'll be making money, but it's not enough to have a family on. I guess I'm just utterly destined to be alone and not have much of a life. Who knows how long N will stick around. I'm sure he'll get bored soon enough and run off with some woman in her 40s. That seems to be his type. Oh well.

Anyways, I have an appointment Monday afternoon with my mom's doctor about anxiety/depression issues. Hopefully I'll finally get something that helps with that. I probably should have gotten help with that kind of stuff a long time ago, but that's neither here nor there. At least I'm trying to get help with it now. I don't have any serious problems with it...I don't feel like offing myself or anything like that, but I do know I have felt pretty low ever since I started keeping a journal at age 14. I just hate myself and have anxiety about things because I think other people will hate me, too. Productive thoughts, eh?

I guess I'll stop here from now. Who knows how badly I've screwed things up with N...the buzz from all the wine is wearing off, and I'm starting to realize what a drama queen I was. It sucks because I won't see N again until Monday night back at out apartment. Oh well.

12:33 a.m. - Sunday, Jan. 19, 2014


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