Not Enough

I feel terrible and paranoid. You know how I often wonder why N is even with me? Well, my sister just added fuel to that fire during our conversation over dinner this evening. Last night after I went to bed, her and N were hanging out in the living room. She was on her laptop and so was he as he watched tv. She said she mentioned to him that she had just gone through old Facebook messages she had sent her ex boyfriend, and he said that he looks at old Facebook messages from his ex girlfriends too sometimes. She also noticed that he was chatting to someone on the Facebook chat.

Since he IS my boyfriend now, you would think I would be done with constantly worrying about him trying it on with other girls, but I guess that is NOT the case. I just felt sick hearing that he still looks back (probably fondly) at old messages from his exes. He probably reads those old messages and wishes he could go back in time to when he had more fun. Even though I know he definitely has feelings for me and loves me, I'm just afraid he's not happy with me.

In fact, I know he's not. After dinner, I came home to the empty apartment. My sister went to Target after dinner and N is at work until 9 pm. I was in N and I's bedroom when I happened to notice his notepad on my desk. He uses it for all sorts of things, like making grocery lists, writing down music he wants to download, etc. Well, since I am in a heightened state of paranoia, I decided to flip through it, and I found a journal entry that he had written on December 22nd. Of course, I just had to read it, and I was so saddened by what I read. He wrote about how depressed he is, and how he wishes he could take his own life because he's just a waste. He said he's just a big disappointment to himself and everyone else because he is almost 26 and has no career, no financial security, nothing. He said he has no hope and that death is certain. He continued that he hardly has any friends because none of his friendships last, and now he's far away (living with me) from the few friends he did have. He also wrote that he felt a lot better when he used to smoke weed, but now he's kicked that 10 year habit in an effort to do better. He noted that alcohol is no substitute for weed (I have noticed that he is drinking more than he usually does). He feels like he used to be funnier and have more to say, but now all of his creativity is gone. He wrote that he feels "caged in a psychological cell". After all, "it's not easy being bipolar, ya know". However, he did write that he is so grateful to have me in his life and that he loves me so much. Something good, at least.

He's still going on about being bipolar, even though I don't think he is. I'm in the field of psychology, so I think I would know, right? I think his only problem is not controlling his anger and/or frustration from time to time, even though I KNOW he can. He can get worked up over the smallest things. For example, his key wouldn't work on the deadbolt for the front door earlier this week, and he kept jamming the key in the lock, his mouth in a hard line as he tried to force it to turn. He then ranted about the key not working and how he's going to be locked out all the time now. Sigh. Who knows why that damn key suddenly stopped working.

I don't know. I hate having such ups and downs with my feelings about N and how things are going. I get all paranoid and worried, but then we have such a good time in person (at least we have been doing great this week, minus my one night of PMS blues). When my sister isn't around, he just kisses me nonstop no matter what we're doing, like cooking dinner, watching tv, changing clothes, etc. He's just constantly smiling at me, looking into my eyes, and kissing me all over. My lips, my cheeks, my neck. He is just so sweet and affectionate. We've also been really playful this week with tickle wars. It was great fun the other afternoon when he threw me on the bed so he could grab me and tickle me. We play really hard when we're trying to tickle each other, so we get out of breath! We're like little kids, and it's so fun because we're both just laughing, smiling, and wrestling each other.

I just wish he was happier. Even though I know his low mood doesn't have to do with me, I just wish he were happier because he's with me. Not matter what hell I had going on, I was always happier when I got to be with N, and now he lives with me! I can tell I'm a lot happier overall than I've ever been. I guess being with me doesn't have that powerful of an effect, aha. Oh well.


I'm continuing this at 10:30 pm. N came home from work and he just seems distant. We watched American Idol for a little bit, and then he immediately turned it to Law and Order: SVU. He watches that show ALL THE TIME and I'm not really a big fan of it, so I said I wanted to watch something else. I put on a rerun of BBC's Sherlock, and he watched a few minutes of it before getting up and going to our room. Seriously? I have to watch all of his dreadful shows all the time, but the minute I want to watch something that he doesn't, he literally runs away. Nevermind the fact that he didn't have to work until 1 pm today, so he had the tv all to himself all day. I worked all day today, so why shouldn't I get control over the tv for just a bit? He went outside to smoke, so I gave up on tv and came in here to our room so I could get ready for bed. I have to get up early, after all. N is probably happily back in control of the tv now, so I'll probably be asleep by the time he comes to bed. He didn't even come say goodnight or anything.

Going back to my paranoia for a second...he always seems so chatty with my sister, who is 3 years younger than us and has a boyfriend. I don't know, sometimes when it's the three of us sitting together in the living room, I feel like it's mainly the two of them talking, so much so that I wonder why I'm even there. They'll just be talking about general stuff or whatever, but I feel like he mainly looks at her. I sometimes also wish my sister would just shut up and stop talking to him! Yes, I guess I'm jealous. It doesn't help that she usually stays up late out in the living room with him reading for school, so it's just the two of them while I've gone to bed since I have to get up early every day. In fact, they're out there just chatting shit now. Maybe he's into her, I don't know.

Who am I kidding? I bet he has a ton of girls he talks to all the time on his phone and on Facebook. He probably doesn't even like me, seeing how depressed he was in that journal entry. Living with me hasn't helped his depression at all, and in fact it's probably made it worse because now he lives in this boring town far away from all of his friends. I know he hates it here. I bet he chats to a bunch of other girls about how miserable he is and how he hates his life.

I should have never said yes to being his girlfriend. He may like me, but I'm sure I'm not the only one he likes. I'm not fun or interesting, so I guess I don't blame him if he's looking elsewhere. I should have known I would never be enough for anybody. I really don't even like myself, so why would anyone else?

I better stop before I cry. Damn it, too late.

7:21 p.m. - Thursday, Jan. 16, 2014


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