C'est La Vie

I have been feeling so sad lately. It's probably because I'm on the rag, but still. I just feel like I'm not worth much and that I was stupid to think I could do something like graduate school. Even though I'm in my very last semester of school ever, I'm panicking and thinking I'll fail the final project because I actually don't know what I'm doing. How I got this far not knowing anything, I don't know. I'm good at taking tests, but I'm not good at applying all the stuff that's on the tests, which is what this big final project involves. Ugh, whatever, I don't want to think about that.

I'm also wondering why N is even with me. He's always had girlfriends and relationships and flings while single and stuff, so he has about 10 years of history with other girls that I get to hear about often. Does it make me feel very good to hear about the time he had sex 10 times in one day? Or how he used to have sex with his girlfriend while she was still asleep (she allowed it)? Or how him and the cougar he briefly dated had sex in a field? Or how this other girl would give him such amazing head that he'd physically tremble?

NO, it does not make me feel very good to hear those things, especially when my experiences with other guys are limited. I've never had a boyfriend until N, so I have no past relationships to talk about. N was the first person I ever had sex with, so I have no sexual experiences prior to him to talk about. I didn't even have sex until I was 22! After N dropped me for the cougar in 2012, I added 4 more guys to my "number" that year. My number has remained the same since November 2012. Only a couple of the guys were more than just one night things, but they still were very brief "flings", if you want to call them that.

So, I just really have nothing to share in that respect, so I always feel miserable when N talks about all these experiences he's had with all these different girls. I know all of this happened in the past and he's with me now, but somehow I feel jealous of all these girls he's no longer with, especially when he's talking about how "good" something was (usually something sex related). I just wonder why he's even with me if he had such good times with other girls? I'm 25 but I've practically done nothing in my life so far. Yeah, yeah, I've got all this schooling under my belt, but who cares? I don't have fun stories about people I used to date or crazy things I used to do with my friends.

I also sadly realized yesterday that I don't even have friends. My best friend and I have been drifting apart for a while now just because I've been so busy with school in another town and she has been busy with her paper route and the married guy she was seeing. We hardly even text these days, and I can't even relate to her much anymore. We had our crazy, drunken nights back in 2012, but I've moved on from all of that. I got all of my sleeping around out of my system in 2012 too and now I have a boyfriend, so I can't relate when she tells me she had a threesome with a married couple. I'm not interested in crazy stories like that anymore. Oh well. I think she has replaced me anyway because she's posted a lot of pictures on Facebook of her and this other girl doing all kinds of things together (not naughty things, haha). Yeah, other than her, I don't have any friends.

I guess it shouldn't be a surprise that I don't even have friends. I'm a boring, fat, ogre who has done nothing in 25 years of life except earn a few degrees. Big whoop. No dating experience. No relationships (until now). Barely any friends. There's just nothing, nothing to even talk about. If someone were to sum up my life in a book, the book would be only 1 page. That's how little has happened in my life. What's even the point? Such a waste.

I always thought I'd be so much happier once I finally got a boyfriend....well, that is definitely NOT the case. I can still feel as lonely and sad as ever. Oh well. That's life.

10:41 p.m. - Tuesday, Jan. 14, 2014


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