Sigh. I guess I spoke too soon about N and I being back on point. I hate how the "good times" never seem to last very long before something negative comes up. On Tuesday night when he came home from work, he smiled, kissed me, and seemed in a good mood. He went to change clothes in our room while I finished cooking dinner, and from the kitchen I heard him saying, "stupid fucking piece of shit". Are those his favorite words, or what? When he came into the kitchen, I asked him what was wrong because I heard him talking to himself. He said that someone had cut him off in traffic on his drive home from work. I was like, seriously? Why was he still harping on about something that happened 10-15+ minutes ago? He just can't seem to let little things like that go. He then ranted about how he hates people, so that further lightened the mood.

When he gets like that, I just shut down. I hate it when he's like that and I don't like being around him because his negativity, anger, and pure hate just make me so uncomfortable. We didn't talk or say much the rest of the night, even though he tried asking about my day at work. I just wasn't feeling it. I just read lostasyou's diary on my phone to escape into someone else's world. I am still obsessed with reading her diary. It's literally an every day, several times a day thing. I'm reading her old entries, so I'll be sad when I catch up to her latest ones and I have to wait ages for her to write new ones. I'm impatient.

So, I was already pretty down. We were watching Modern Family, which has become one of my favorite shows because it's so funny. Of course, N just had to pick that night of all nights to comment on how hot and sexy Sofia Vergara is. He said she's got a great shape because she's slim, but still has sexy curves, an ass, and big boobs. I literally felt like I could cry. I have been feeling utter shit about myself recently with how much weight I've gained from the drinking and the subsequent junk food eating that always follows. I'm not allowing myself to buy wine anymore because I know I'll just go too far with it. I still love the feeling drinking gives, but I'm NOT loving all of these extra pounds, damn it! I Googled how many calories are in a 1.5 L bottle of the red wine I drink, and one website said over 600 calories!!! No fucking WONDER I'm gaining weight every single day! But anyways, the combination of already feeling down from his negativity plus him having the hots for someone that I CLEARLY will never look like just became too much. I took my sleeping pills and went to bed shortly after. Not a great night.

Of course, last night was a great one. Maybe he really is Bipolar like he claims because that seems to be how things go with him. Some nights really bad, others really good. He cooked a tasty dinner as soon as I got home from work, and we watched the movie Crazy Stupid Love while we ate. After eating, he sat beside me on the couch to watch the rest of the movie, and he just kept cuddling up to me, smiling at me, and kissing me. He also said things like, "how did I get so lucky?" as he looked into my eyes. After the movie, we even play wrestled on the couch. He was trying to kiss me, and I pretended like I didn't want him to so I kept turning my head away to avoid it. He took that as a challenge, so we were rolling around having fun. We eventually got worked up and took things to the bedroom. Sadly, he had already gotten off by himself 3 times in the day since he had the day off, so he couldn't exactly get it up, if ya know what I mean. I was like, "what do you even need me for? You got yours already, you don't need to do it with your girlfriend because you've got your hand, clearly!" Haha. He touched me while he tried getting there, and I got close while he did. Of course he stopped just as I was almost there. Oh well. We tried again and he eventually finished after what seemed like endless doggy. It really wasn't that fun for me and I was kind of glad when it was over. I wish the whole penetration thing felt better to me because it just doesn't. Sometimes it's like I can't even feel anything. Oh well.

So yeah, last night went well, at least. I'm anticipating that tonight will be another shit night. He's working the 3-9 pm shift today, and he just called me on his break. He was clearly agitated, ranting about how he's had such a bad day, he hates his job, he could literally quit and never go back, he hates all people, he'd rather work at Burger King, etc. Is it horrible that I find his complaining annoying? Maybe his job really is miserable, but I always can't help but think "YOU ONLY WORK PART TIME" and "NO WORRIES, YOU'LL HAVE 2 DAYS OFF STARTING TOMORROW SO YOU CAN DO NOTHING BUT PLAY XBOX" and "AT LEAST YOU'RE ONLY THERE FOR 5 HOURS AND NOT 8". It's like, you can't even handle a 5 hour shift? Get over it! Quit whining because you'll have plenty of days off coming up.

Maybe his job really is terrible and I shouldn't blame him for being upset and complaining. I know he's trying to find another job, but he's not having any luck. It's just not fun for me to listen to someone who only works part time complain about his job so much, especially when I work full time at a much more stressful job. Who am I to say my job is more stressful? Well, I am school psychology graduate student with a full time internship. NO, school psychology is NOT the same thing as guidance counseling. This is what school psychology is:

"School psychologists help children and youth succeed academically, socially, behaviorally, and emotionally. They collaborate with educators, parents, and other professionals to create safe, healthy, and supportive learning environments that strengthen connections between home, school, and the community for all students. School psychologists are highly trained in both psychology and education, completing a minimum of a specialist-level degree program (at least 60 graduate semester hours) that includes a year-long supervised internship (which is what I'm currently doing). This training emphasizes preparation in mental health and educational interventions, child development, learning, behavior, motivation, curriculum and instruction, assessment, consultation, collaboration, school law, and systems." (nasponline.org).

So yeah, I get to IQ test kids and tell their parents that they have learning disabilities or other problems. N grooms dogs. See where my irritation stems from? Just a bit? Ugh, I'm probably being a horrible bitch. I couldn't groom dogs. Wouldn't dream of doing it. I don't doubt that it's a hard job, it's just annoying that he complains so much about his part time job that he really could quit any time. Me, I'm STUCK doing this job because I've gone $70K in debt to go to school for it. He always says he "feels trapped" at his job. I'm like, no, you're fucking not. You didn't go to school or in debt for it, so what are you talking about? I have a full time, stressful job that I AM trapped in, yet I never complain to him about it, do I? NO.

Sigh. He'll be home soon, and I'm kind of not looking forward to it...I'm sure it'll be another night where I shut down and take my sleeping pills and go to bed early. WHAT FUN.

8:03 p.m. - Thursday, Jan. 09, 2014


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