The Stressful List

Sigh. I just got to see my boyfriend after two weeks apart and I must say that I wasn't...excited. I used to get so excited to see this guy, so much so that my heart would pound, I would get butterflies in my stomach, and my hands would even shake sometimes. All of that is gone now. I guess when someone moves in with you and you're around them a lot, the excitement and the novelty wears off pretty quick.

We were all at his mom's house visiting with his family, and during conversation, he basically implied that he wouldn't mind getting fired from his job and collecting unemployment. That pissed me off because he KNOWS how much anger I have towards my older sister who did just that. She got fired after a month at her job and then she sat on her ass in my mom's house collecting unemployment for 2 years, all the while not contributing a dime to bills or lifting a single manicured finger to help with household chores. So no, him even saying that didn't sit well with me since I work very hard every day. I don't like lazy people. It didn't help that his mom ordered him an Xbox 360 right then and there as his late Christmas present. I HATE having to sit there and watch him play these boring games, and even worse, that's all he'll be doing on his days off from his part-time job instead of finding a real job.

After his younger siblings, mom, and stepdad went upstairs to bed, he was kissing me and cuddling up to me on the couch, saying he loves me and that he missed me, but I...I just wasn't feeling it. He and his brother wanted to watch Breaking Bad and Dexter on Netflix, both shows I don't watch. I really didn't feel like sitting there watching shows I'm not into while they had brother talk, so I said I was tired and wanted to go home. N really tried to get me to spend the night, but there's no way I was going to do that because I didn't even have pajamas or a tooth brush with me. Plus, I've been enjoying sleeping in a bed BY MYSELF. I really don't like sleeping with someone else in the bed, especially someone who acts out his dreams. Just earlier today, N texted me that he punched a wall in our bedroom during his sleep last night because he was dreaming he was in a fight. Hmm, had I been sleeping next to him, I probably would have gotten punched in the head.

N was pouting that we barely got to visit with each other, and that's true. I was only there for about 3 hours, and most of the time was spent talking with his family, so we didn't have any time just to ourselves. Oh well, I kind of didn't want it anyway. While N was begging me to stay, he was hinting that he had my Christmas gift upstairs in his room for me. I knew he just wanted me to go upstairs to his room so he could pounce on me, and I just wasn't in the mood for that. I'm not even on the rag or anything, so I don't know why I'm in such a mood.

I don't know why I'm feeling like this and it kind of sucks...I used to want nothing more than for N to be mine, and now I'm just not feeling it anymore. I guess the whole "chase" thing is over now that he's actually my boyfriend, and all of the mystery is gone now that he lives with me. It just doesn't seem like any fun anymore, at least not for me. I don't see how having a guy kiss me and say he loves me is NOT fun, but I don't know. It's just not the same. And like I said before, now that we're in an actual relationship, I can't help but take his character flaws more seriously, like the whole only working part-time and then implying he wish he would get fired so he could collect unemployment...I want someone who has goals and ambition, not someone who is lazy and getting no where.

Sigh. Maybe I'm realizing that what I wanted so bad is actually not all it's cracked up to be. I'm not saying he's horrible and we don't have a connection because he definitely has some good qualities. Otherwise, why would I like him so much? There's got to be some kind of appeal there. But maybe now I'm wishing I had a partner who is educated and has a career established so he can contribute to the support of a family. My mom was the breadwinner between her and my dad and let me just say that it doesn't help to have a husband who makes way less than the wife. Now if the husband and wife are both making big bucks and the husband happens to make less, then that doesn't matter, but my poor mom was a teacher and my dad was truck driver, so my mom, even though she did not make much at all, made way more money than my dad. NOT a good situation when she had to have 2 of his babies. When the father can't provide enough support for his family, it makes it really hard on the wife when she has the babies. My mom had 2 high risk pregnancies and she should have been able to stay out of work on bed rest, but she couldn't. She had to work because otherwise our family would have had zero money. So instead, my mom worked up until the last possible second which put too much stress on her. Her kidneys started shutting down and she had to have both me and my sister two months earlier than we were due. Even though we were both 2 months premature, we turned out all right, but as anyone knows, premature babies are at higher risk for things like learning disabilities. So, my sister and I were premature all because my dad couldn't support the family enough for my mom to be able to take off work and get the rest she needed while she was pregnant. That's terrible! If you're a woman and want to have babies, you've got to have a good husband with a good job because otherwise you're screwed.

I guess none of that shit matters because N doesn't even want kids, as I have said a million times now. I just keep repeating all of this, so I guess it's pretty clear that I have a lot of DOUBTS about this relationship. While I do have feelings for N, I don't know if this relationship has the things I need to feel secure and happy. If it did, why have I been obviously dwelling and fretting about it all so much? Something is wrong.

Oh well, I'll just shut up about it all and try to enjoy the good times, though they may be few and far between these days. Just as an after thought...I hope my low mood is not the result of the new birth control pills I started...I've been on them for about 3 weeks now. The last pill I was on was terrible and really messed with my mood...although I'm not sure if my low mood then was entirely due to the pill or due to N being careless with my feelings, being in graduate school, and living with a hellish roommate. Who knows? All I know is that I was looking up suicide methods at one point, and I'm usually never THAT low. I get very depressed, sure, but I usually don't get that extreme. I would never even do anything to myself, but just remembering that I felt that low is kind of scary.

Maybe all of this is just because of S T R E S S. I'm stressed because:
1. I now have a boyfriend. I've never had one, so this is new and stressful.
2. Said boyfriend moved in with me mere weeks after becoming my boyfriend. Adjusting to living with someone new is stressful, especially when that person sleeps in your bed and constantly wakes you up by talking in his sleep and thrashing around.
3. Having a boyfriend that now lives with me has cued a OMG IS HE WHAT I REALLY WANT FOREVER AND EVER crisis, which is stressful.
4. My winter holidays are over, so that means I go back to my internship, which is stressful.
5. I am now in my last semester of graduate school, and that means I have an impending final project to pass in order to graduate. That is stressful, especially since I'm convinced I'll fail.
6. Graduate school coming to a close means I have to go on interviews and get a REAL job, and that is beyond stressful!
7. I don't know where my real job will be, so not knowing where I'm going to be living in 6 months' time is, you guessed it! STRESSFUL!!!!!!

Ok, I can see now why maybe I'm not feeling so lovey dovey towards N these days...I've got a lot on my plate! The sad thing is that I don't see any of those things on that list getting resolved any time soon...

11:37 p.m. - Thursday, Jan. 02, 2014


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