A Not So Positive Outlook on 2014

2014 - a brand new year. This year, I will graduate from school for the last time EVER and officially be done with the hell of graduate school! That's definitely exciting, but I am also terrified of the prospect of actually getting a "big girl" job and being out in the real world. I really wish I had chosen a career that doesn't involve so much stress and responsibility. At this point, I would be happy with a dead-end desk job that makes less money. Oh well, I'm stuck now.

This year has to be better than 2013 though, right? For once in my ENTIRE life, I actually have a boyfriend! And not just a boyfriend, but the guy I played the whole "we like each other and are attracted to each other but are just friends" game with for over 2 1/2 years. I wanted N so badly, but I finally got to the point where I had accepted that we would only ever just be friends. Then, he decided to stop talking to me for 2 straight months last summer, and as you know, those 2 months were MISERABLE. The absolute WORST. I was probably the most depressed I've ever been, but I eventually made my way through that, too. I had accepted that he didn't want me in his life anymore, so I let him go. Of course, he came back into my life once I was finally ok with him being gone. We reconnected and were closer than ever, and he even said, "I love you". In his usual fashion, a week after he told me he loved me, he declared that some other girl was his "last chance at true love", so so much for his feelings for me! I kept my head on straight and got myself out into the dating world, having several great dates with some nice guys.

When N and I finally met up after 4 months apart, the attraction was undeniable. N couldn't get enough of my new look (straightened hair and more expertly applied eyeshadow, ha), and I think he finally clocked on to the fact that I wasn't going to pine over him forever and that he might lose me to another guy. A few months later, he became my boyfriend. Shortly after that, he had to move in with me due to his lame roommate kicking him out to move in his loser homeless friend.

So, in a few short months, we went from not even talking to being a cohabiting couple. It all happened so fast that I definitely freaked and tried putting on the breaks, but to no avail. It all still happened, ha. I am definitely glad that N is my boyfriend - I don't have to worry about him telling me all about how he's into other girls anymore because I'M the girl he's into these days, so that's definitely nice! He's so into me, too - he's been so affectionate, showering me in hugs and kisses every day, cooking dinner for me, cuddling up to me at night. I've actually been away from him for almost 2 weeks because I am off for the winter holiday (the only reason I like working for the school system), and he has missed me so much, saying he doesn't like being away from me for this long and that he feels better when I'm around. He even said he *might* have sniffed my clothes in the closet to see if they still smelled like me, which they did. Ha, poor thing misses me! It's really nice to feel so wanted by someone because I've never experienced that before.

Sigh, even so, for some reason, I just don't have a very hopeful view of our future. He didn't go to college, so he can only get minimum wage type jobs, and he hates the one he has now. He has been searching high and low for something else, but there's not much out there for someone who has no skills (no offense). It just doesn't feel very fair when I'm struggling through grad school and he is complaining endlessly about his minimum wage PART TIME job that he could quit any time. Sometimes I just want to tell him to SUCK IT UP so badly. My grandfather served in WWII and worked in a cotton mill for 44 years, and he never complained. My mom has been a special education teacher for 38 years, and she never complains. I have been surrounded by examples of hard-working people my whole life, so just hearing him whine about his job that he only goes to for 5 hours a day and has several days off during the week from just RUBS ME THE WRONG WAY, especially since I have a full-time graduate internship working in schools. True, he has been trying hard to find another job, but even that process has been annoying. He keeps applying for jobs he's clearly not qualified for, and then he gets mad that these companies won't train him so that he'll have the skills he needs to do the job. I just sit there thinking to myself that's what SCHOOL is for! Most people go to college to be certified or have a degree in something, but he's got nothing. He just thinks people should do for him what he didn't do for himself, I guess. That's not how it works, sorry. So yeah, that definitely annoys me, especially when I'll be graduating with a Masters +30 (a Specialist degree) and making a starting salary of $40K at the age of 25. He'll be 26 soon and he's got nothing. We're not exactly equals in that respect.

It seems like all the girls I know my age are getting engaged every day. A girl I work with who is 25 like me just got engaged on New Year's Eve, and of course, she posted a picture of the beautiful roses and ring she received on Facebook. She got a pretty ring, too. That's another thing that saddens me. I know I probably won't get a pretty ring or even a ring at all like all of the other girls. That sounds very materialistic and horrible, but why can't I want an engagement ring? If a guy wants to marry a girl, he gives her a ring; that's just how it works. I just feel like I'll end up like my mom, who never received an engagement ring from any of her 3 husbands. That's just sad to me.

Speaking of engagement rings and getting married, why would N and I even bother getting married since he doesn't want kids? Since we're not having kids, I really don't see the point in getting married at all. That also makes me incredibly sad. I always thought I'd have kids, but I guess that's just not going to happen for me. There won't be any little tots calling me "Mommy". It doesn't help that my best friend and a family friend have the cutest little daughters that they adore. Although, I have to admit that I would be terrified if N and I did have a kid. If N flips out over spilling a glass of water, I don't think having a baby who makes terrible messes and cries all the time would go over well. N just wouldn't be able to handle it, and he's even said so.

I just feel like I'm headed towards a life that has nothing in it for me- no engagement ring, no wedding, no marriage, no kids, no life partner that makes me feel stronger and like I can handle anything. Just me listening to N complain about his part-time job while I bust my ass at my full time job that I went to school for 7 years for. Just me getting scared of N when he flips out over the smallest shit. Just me worrying about situations that might set N off. Just me being generally unhappy. Sigh. You would think I'd be happier now that I supposedly have what I've always wanted, which is a man who loves me.

I guess with all of this stress, my nighttime teeth grinding isn't going to stop any time soon. Guess I better get fitted for dentures because at this rate, I'm not going to have any teeth left!

10:10 p.m. - Wednesday, Jan. 01, 2014


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