Broken Record

Sigh, I don't know. N can really scare me sometimes. I had just written in here about N and his inability to handle even small things that go wrong, right? Well, on Monday night, he spilled some sauce as he was making dinner. He just lost it, saying, "God fucking DAMN IT! You know what? I'm not even going to eat! Shit! Fuck!". I was really scared, so I literally took my plate of food and ran to my room and shut the door. I put on the movie Twilight and watched that as I ate, trying to block out what had just happened.

Why is he like that? He's making me uncomfortable in my own home, and I don't like that. I don't want to live with that. He came into my room shortly after I had gone in there, and he apologized for his behavior. I told him he can't act like that because he is an adult and he can control himself. I asked him if he would have flown off the handle like that if my sister were around, and he said no. That tells me he CAN control his behavior, he just chooses not to. I told him that he makes me extremely uncomfortable in my own home when he acts like that, and that is unacceptable. He agreed and apologized again. I could tell he really was sorry...I just know it'll happen again. And again. And again. That's just the way he is, and that makes me worry about our long-term prospects...do I really want to stay with someone like that for years only to just one day reach my stopping point and end it all? By that time, I will have wasted years of my youth!

I very well could be wasting my time with him. I truly want to have kids one day, and he doesn't. He says it's just too much responsibility and he wouldn't be good at it with the way he is (which is perhaps true). Come to think of it, we were talking about that on Monday night shortly before he went mental about spilling the sauce...perhaps our talk put him on edge and the sauce thing was just the last straw. I've said on numerous occasions that I don't see how we're going to work out in the long run if I want kids and he doesn't. There is no way to compromise on that. Every time this issue comes up, he gets angry and defensive because he is hurt that our relationship basically has a time limit on it. I didn't disagree with that statement because I guess it's true.

Sigh. I guess I can see why that would be hurtful. But it's also hurtful to me to know that someone who supposedly loves me doesn't want to have kids with me. Maybe I should just drop the whole kid issue for a while. It's not like we'll be having them any time soon because we're both only 25. Maybe he'll come around to the idea by the time he's 30...if we're still together by then. He claims he's in this for the long haul, and I believe him.
I really don't want to break up with him. I went through hell just to get him, so I would be stupid to even consider letting him go after all of that. It's not like I want to break up NOW, though. I just assumed we would whenever I'm ready to have kids because he's not going to want to stick around for that part.

I guess I should just enjoy what we have now and not worry about that other stuff just yet. I do love his face. He's got a great face. I wonder every day how I got so lucky. I wailed about being miserable and alone for years, and now I have this sexy guy who loves me and lives with me! Things really do change. I know I think I'm an ogre, but everyone who has seen us together says we look good together like we match. We both have dark hair and eyes and good teeth, so that makes sense.

Anyways, I ended up drinking almost a whole (big) bottle of wine last night. Why?? Why am I drinking that much on a Tuesday night when I have work early the next morning? Luckily, I'm never hungover in the mornings. I guess it's because I still go to bed when I normally do and sleep it off. Although, sometimes I have woken up just feeling kind of yucky. Just a general queasy dehydrated feeling. Usually, a lot of water and some time makes that go away.

N and I ended up getting it on right before bed. He has really been going at it lately with hard, almost angry, thrusting. It actually hurt! What was he trying to do, poke through my stomach? All of the wine already had me emotional, and I couldn't help but cry about how much it was hurting. Luckily I was ahem, turned away from him so he couldn't see, although he did ask why I kept wiping my face (the tears) with the blanket. I said I was fine, but then it just became too much and I had to tell him to be a little more gentle and not err, go so deep. He hadn't meant to hurt me, he said he thought I'd enjoy it (umm hard thrusting has never done it for me). It all worked out in the end and then we fell asleep. I woke up several times throughout the night because his knee would be poking me, he would roll over and not give me much space to stretch out, etc. I'm still trying to get used to not sleeping alone.

Oh well, that's about it for now. I have 2 more days of work to get through and then I get 2 weeks off for the holidays! I am so looking forward to just relaxing and being with my family, although I am sad I won't be seeing N until after the new year because he has to work and he'll be visiting his dad for Christmas. I am kind of looking forward to having a small break from him, though...I know I'll miss him, but I will definitely enjoy getting to sleep in a bed by myself!

2:38 p.m. - Wednesday, Dec. 18, 2013


previous - next

latest entry





other diaries: