Be Careful What You Wish For...

I finally have everything I've ever wanted...a good-looking boyfriend who loves me just the way I am, fat and all. So, why am I not over the moon and thrilled?

Like I said before, living together and being around each other every day has been an adjustment. While it is mostly fun, there are things that bother me; the most worrisome being that he can't handle it when things go wrong. Nothing big has gone wrong (yet), so it's little things that he can't even deal with. He just gets so angry over the littlest things, such as accidentally knocking a glass of water over, his alarm going off in the morning, driving in traffic, etc. Whenever something does set him off, all I hear is, "God fucking DAMN it, fucking shit, fuck!". His tone is literally filled with anger and venom. Not very pleasant, and in fact it's kinda scary sometimes.

I don't want to be around that! My home should be a place of calm and relaxation. I hate that I feel so on-edge when we go anywhere in public together because I never know when something might set him off. A simple look from a stranger might be taken the wrong way and that would do it. Oh, and I NEVER let him drive us anywhere because it is pretty much 100% guaranteed that he'll get angry at SOMETHING while driving. Oh, someone switched lanes too close to him? Well, that person must be a "piece of shit human being that should burn in hell", then. Sounds like an appropriate response. NOT.

So, not only do I have to deal with all of that, but I don't sleep well with him in the bed with me. I have discovered that I'm a light sleeper and that anything will wake me up. Since I'm used to sleeping alone, I have never noticed before. I'm basically woken up many times throughout the night. He'll fall asleep watching tv on the couch and I'll go to bed, and then I get woken up whenever he comes to bed at 3 am. He also talks in his sleep, and that wakes me up almost every night. He also likes to sleep ON me, which is usually not very comfortable for me because my arm will be pinned under his and go numb. The other night he had his arm tucked under mine and then he violently flipped over to his other side, almost ripping my arm off in the process. He's a VERY heavy sleeper, so when his alarms (yes, he has 2 because he's afraid one might not wake him up) go off in the morning, I immediately wake up and then have to listen to them go off for several minutes because he doesn't wake up. Many times I have to prod and poke him to wake up and turn his alarms off.

Speaking of waking up...he wakes up by gasping and jumping out of bed so fast and rushing over to his alarms to turn them off. It always scares me and makes my heart race! Who wakes up like that? He wakes up as if he's just been electrocuted. I wish he would wake up more gently and not in such a panic. Since my sister is already out of school and back home for the holidays, I've been sneaking into her room in the mornings to at least get a few hours of restful sleep. I love crawling into her soft, squishy bed and stretching out all alone. So peaceful, quiet, and comfortable. This morning, N actually found me in my sister's room and crawled into the bed with me! He immediately laid on me and pinned me where I was and started snoring in my ear. I was like, dang it! That's nice he likes to be next to me while sleeping, but geez.

With all of that being said, I'm actually looking forward to going home for the Christmas holidays for 2 weeks on Friday. I think I need a break from him. I do miss certain things about us living separately...I miss getting to take 2 hour drives to see him, and I also miss getting excited before seeing him. That excitement is gone because I'm so used to him being around now. Sadly, I'm often frustrated around him now because I don't like dealing with his angry episodes. He claims he's bipolar, and I'm starting to think he's right. Either that, or he just has very poor self-control and emotion regulation. Sigh, I don't know.

All of this makes me sad because I don't think I'll get the things I really wanted out of life...I wanted to one day get married and have cute little kids that I adore more than anything. I don't think that will happen with N...plus, I'm starting to think I don't even want that with him. He doesn't even want kids and claims he's infertile (all because he's had a few "accidents" with girls in the past but none of them got pregnant...I tried explaining that there's actually only a 24 hour window every month for a woman to get pregnant...just because the condom broke or you didn't even use one and came inside of her doesn't mean she'll get pregnant). The way he can't handle small issues is a HUGE red flag if I want kids...what's he going to do if the kid knocks its milk over in the floor? Poops everywhere? Screams and cries all night? Yeah, I don't see that going well AT ALL. Oh, and I would NEVER let the kid ride in the car with him anywhere, so there's another issue.

Sigh. I don't see anyone else loving me the way he does, plus I don't see myself having feelings for anyone else the way I do for him. Maybe this is just what I get in life. Maybe I really am not meant to be a mother or meant to be 100% happy and satisfied. I know nothing is perfect, but this is not what I was hoping for.

Oh well.

11:29 a.m. - Sunday, Dec. 15, 2013


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