Pinch Me

Well, N is my boyfriend. WTF! How did this happen?? Just over the summer, we weren't even talking and I thought he was out of my life for good, and now he's my first ever boyfriend? This is nuts. Am I dreaming? Pinch me.

I have no idea what suddenly changed his mind and made him suddenly want more than friendship with me. Well, I do have an idea. I finally got my ass out into the dating world, so I think him hearing about my dates with other guys made him realize that oh, shit-maybe I won't be single forever! Whatever the reason, he finally stepped up and said that he loves me and that he wants more. I was floored.

So get this, things were going well between us, we're saying we love each other, all that good stuff. Naturally, the idea of us being more came up, and we agreed to be in a relationship. Then what happened? I FREAKED out! So much so that I actually BACKED OUT, saying maybe we had rushed things. The fuck? He's all I've ever wanted and here he is wanting to be my boyfriend and I back out? What the hell is wrong with me?

All I can say about that is maybe I panicked. I've never been in a relationship, so I have NO idea how they work, so I figured I'd suck at it and ruin everything right away. I thought being in a relationship is all I've ever wanted, but I was like, wait-IS it??? Plus, I've seen several examples of how relationships can go horribly WRONG and how most of them don't work out, and I don't want that to happen to me and N. I love him and care about him so much, so I'd hate for bad things to go down between us and we end up not even speaking (like him and his last gf).

Anyways, I let the idea of us being more marinate for a bit, and I started to get used to it. Plus I was thinking, if I don't become his girlfriend, he's going to find someone else and I'll be back to being miserable without him! Hell NO. So, I decided to put my relationship fears aside and go for it, so N is officially my boyfriend. He says he's in it for the long haul, so we'll see. I'm just going to go with the flow, and not think too much about it.

I am really happy that N is mine. So happy that it feels like a dream, a dream I hope doesn't end anytime soon.

8:47 p.m. - Sunday, Oct. 20, 2013


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