Head/Heart Disconnect

Omg it's happening. Summer has come to an end and I must return to the hell of grad school. FML! At least this is my last year of school EVER and once I graduate, I'll actually be able to get a real job making real money! It'll be fun not being a tragically poor college student anymore!

In other news, I KNEW IT. A week after N tells me he loves me, he is devastated that a girl he's really into would rather be just friends. He's so devastated that he was literally sobbing at home and fighting back tears at work because he can't be with the person he has "the most chemistry with". WTF! So much for having feelings for me!

Sadly, this is ALWAYS the pattern with him. He gets my emotions involved by doing and saying things that make me think he wants more with me, but then he almost always immediately turns around and is 100% interested in someone else, so I get burned. When we started things up again, he agreed that he would not be confusing like that, and yet here we are, barely a month later. I called him out on it, and he said he is sorry that he's like that. He said he will always love me no matter who we end up with, but that he doesn't think we should be together. I mentioned what he said last week ("maybe we'll end up together someday"), and all he could say was sorry. I reminded him of what we agreed on in the beginning about how I do NOT want to be involved in stuff like this again, hence why I wanted to keep some distance between us and why I feel the need to keep up a guard around him. Every time I let myself get too close to him, I get burned, so NO. I had to address that right away.

Even though I like him and can't help but have feelings for him, I know in my head that we are better off as just friends. There's just so many issues and concerns with him that a relationship most likely wouldn't work out, like he has always said. He said he saved me from being in a dysfunctional relationship with him by not letting it go past friends, and perhaps that's the smartest thing he's ever done. He knows himself and what he can be like, and he knew it wouldn't be good for me.

He's obviously not that horrible and crazy because otherwise I wouldn't enjoy being around him so much (I don't do crazy), but there are definitely qualities there that I am NOT looking for in a partner. I just wish my heart could understand what my head knows, which is that we're better off as just friends.

12:35 a.m. - Sunday, Aug. 18, 2013


previous - next

latest entry





other diaries: