I Don't Wanna

Who am I kidding??? Just because N said he "loves" me does not mean a thing because nothing is going to change. Nothing ever moves FORWARD with us, so we always just stay in the friends with benefits zone. WHY, I don't know, because now we BOTH have admitted feelings for each other. And not just feelings, but the L word.

He added me back on Facebook and commented on one of my pictures from a while ago, so I guess he's been browsing through my pictures. I happened to go to his page (big mistake) and see that he added 2 girls as friends today. One is married, but the other looks like his type. I bet he met her on OKCupid and they've been talking a lot and they're going to start dating/hooking up/being together/etc. Since my visit last week, he has been quite chatty, texting me a lot about the many sexy moments we had, and then of course he spilled his guts and told me he loved me and all of that other stuff. Ever since the big "feeling" conversation, though, he has become distant. On Wednesday (his day off), I didn't hear from him at all, and we've only texted back and forth a few times since then. Seeing that he has become friends with more girls tells me he's interested in someone else, and that's why he is suddenly distant. That's usually how it goes.

It's just so easy for someone else to catch his eye, which tells me I don't have much of a hold on him (even though he claims to love me). I can already feel myself getting sucked back into that cycle of thinking he actually has feelings for me and wants me but then being devastated when I find out he A) is interested in someone else, or B) hooked up with someone else. It's a cycle that has terrible effects on my self-esteem and well being. I really didn't want to become friends with him on Facebook again because I just don't want to know about the other girls or any of it. Even if I'm wrong, I can't help but go wild with theories when I see that stuff. Thank God I had been wrong about the last time I thought he had a new girl (the time he completely dropped me and he posted a pic of himself in that black dress shirt, which I just knew was for a date). I can't even believe he didn't get with ANYONE during our break. That means he also didn't have sex for FOUR months! Is that possible for guys to go that long??? Especially him???

Omg no, I can feel myself going down a familiar path of obsession and worry. I just don't want to do that anymore, so I'm just going to let it go. If he's interested in someone else, that's great, good for him. I hope it works out, I wish him the best. If he wants me, great, if not, oh well. I'll find someone who does (eventually/hopefully/maybe???).

Besides, even if we WERE to get serious (which will neeeever happen), it's not like I DON'T have reservations about doing so, too. SUCH AS:

#1) I have never been his first choice, so I would worry that he's settling for me for now since he's having trouble finding anyone else.
#2) I do not feel secure about his feelings for me (this kind of relates to #1). He has always been inconsistent. He'll act like he really cares about me and has feelings for me, but then he'll turn around and fuck someone else. UM YEAH, hard to believe he feels anything for me when he does stuff like that. So, I would basically always be worried about losing him to someone else, which has, so far, been VERY easy. I would be afraid he would "fall in love" with our waitress if she's pretty and nice. NOT GOOD.
#3) He smokes pot everyday.
#4) He has loser friends that also smoke pot every day.
#5) He is most likely bipolar.
#6) He has road rage that absolutely terrifies me.

So yeah, I have fears of my own, and they're pretty big ones. Maybe it's not even worth going there (not that we will) because I can just see heartache already. The biggest problem I have is his inconsistency and not being secure with how he feels about me. I want someone who wants me and ONLY me, and it is OBVIOUS. I want someone who wants me so badly that he doesn't want anyone else to have me. I want someone who wants me so much that he'll date me, even with the risk that it might not work out. I want someone who makes me feel confident and secure about his feelings for me, someone I don't have to guess with. I want his feelings for me to be plain and obvious. I want someone who is COMMITTED. All of that does NOT describe him.

Whatever, it's not happening anyways. I'm not going to worry about it anymore. I need to get back that feeling of distance and detachment that I had when I thought he was gone for good. No use getting riled up about this anyway because school starts in a week (PUKE/BARF/VOMIT/DIE) and I am going to become verrrry busy. Our schedules most likely won't ever match up and we probably won't see each other for months on end, like before. I know he won't be making trips to see me because he's always broke and never has money to do that.

I am letting it all go. It's not up to me how this all pans out, so no use trying to control the outcome. What will be, will be. I'm not going to worry about him and other girls or any of that shit because I DON'T WANT TO ANYMORE!

2:53 a.m. - Sunday, Aug. 11, 2013


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