Caught Up

Well, I'm probably mentally insane because I started things up with N again. I can't believe we're actually back in touch because I thought he was gone for good. He called me while I was on the way home from dropping my sister off at the airport in another state. I was nervous to answer because it was the first time we've talked in 2 months. He said it was so good to hear my voice. We talked for a while, and he said he had thought about me every day and that it was hard for him while we weren't speaking. Seriously? I had no CLUE he felt like that because I thought he had cut me out of his life for no reason! Whaaat. But anyway, he said we needed the time apart. He said if I started dating someone else now, he might be a little jealous at first, but he would be ok, truly he would. He said he would be ok with such certainty that I know he no longer has any attachment to me. That kinda hurt to hear.

Anyways, we really wanted to meet up, so I went to visit him in his new place. I went up there Tuesday evening and left Wednesday evening. The drive to get there is longer than where he lived before, and the town he lives in is pretty small. I personally would never live there, but he seems to like it. The town actually reminded me a lot of the town my grandparents lived in. The houses looked similar, and even the grass looked the same! Weird.

So, I have naturally curly hair that I wear curly 99.9% of the time because I'm too lazy to do anything else with it, but I straightened my hair for this visit because I wanted to look different after so much time apart. I feel like I've changed since we last hung out and talked, so I wanted to visually show that I am different. He is attracted to curly-haired girls, so I figured he wouldn't like my look, but au contraire. He immediately told me I look great, and that this is the best he's ever seen me look (ok, did I look like a troll before, or what?). He said if he had seen me somewhere (like the mall) with my straight hair and white smile, everyone else would have become invisible to him (WTF?). He also said it wasn't just the hair, but my eyes, too (I have become more skilled at applying eyeshadow). He said I don't just look beautiful, but beautiful-beautiful. That was nice to hear! My insecure little heart just ate that up!

Overall, it was a great visit. Even though we hadn't seen each other in so long and only just recently started talking again, there was no awkwardness to get past. We get along so well, so it wasn't hard to just pick up where we left off. While it was great to see him again after such a long break, I really hope I don't get caught up in him again. I don't want to become jealous when he starts dating other women. I don't want to be jealous PERIOD because there is never going to be more between us, so I should let that go and accept that there are others. I just hate that panicky feeling when I find evidence that he's interested in someone else. I panic and worry about a situation that I have no control over, and that's STUPIDDDD. I don't want his actions to be the determining factor in my happiness. I want to be happy no matter what he does, no matter who he dates, no matter if he gets a girlfriend, etc. When any of those things happen, I want to be happy FOR him because he's my friend and I should want him to be happy as well. He has always been supportive of me in my hopes of finding somebody. He hasn't come across as a jealous bastard the way I have come across as a jealous bitch.

Even though I just spent a ton of time talking about this visit, I don't want to overanalyze and get caught up like I used to do. I want to have my time with him and then let it go. If I just let the whole idea of being with him go after I've seen him, maybe it'll be easier to not get caught up.

6:46 p.m. - Friday, Aug. 02, 2013


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