I've Gotta Be Meeeee

N sent me 5 texts today, and he basically said that he did need a break from "us". I'm still so pissed he didn't even include me in the decision to take a 2 month break, but whatever. Can't be mad forever.

Anyways, he said he needed a break because at times he felt "smothered" because I would make him feel guilty about sleeping with other girls even though we weren't dating or in a relationship. He said he was tired of all the recurring issues that seemed to come up between us. He said we would have our "talks" and think we had it figured out, but the same problems would come up again later.

Hmmmm. That's all well and good, but he's effing crazy. He drove ME crazy! I understood that we were not in a relationship, and I understood that we both could see other people. We were in agreement on that. HOWEVER, he would say stuff like THIS:

"what if we don't see other people? What if we lived together?" and "I wonder what our kids will look like...I hope they have your beautiful smile."

But then turn around and say THIS after I admitted feelings for him:

"I had sex with a girl that lives in my apartment complex."

UMMMM, yeah, no fucking wonder I was confused. He was so inconsistent because he would lead me on like he had feelings for me, but then he would turn around and do and say the opposite. So yeah, my feelings would get hurt and we would talk about things, but nothing was ever resolved because he kept being inconsistent.

So, he's saying he needed a break from all of that. He said he loves and misses the physical stuff (typical guy), but that he could "do without" the emotional stuff. Then don't fucking say and do things you don't mean, DOLT. I told him I didn't enjoy a lot of our time together as well for reasons I've just explained. It was all just too fucking confusing and uncertain, always guessing at how he really felt. I told him that it is all over and done with and that I don't want to go back because I'm much happier now, and that's true.

We talked about getting together sometime soon to hang out, and I'm kind of nervous. It's been 4 months since I've seen him, and so much has changed. I would like to think I'm doing a lot better now, and I don't want to get all caught up in him again. If we do start hanging out again, I truly want to be detached and have no feelings for him. I don't want to think about him too much, overanalyze stuff he says or does, or play games. I just want to be me, not who I was before when I was with him. That girl wasn't really me.

11:44 p.m. - Friday, Jul. 26, 2013


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