Mixed Feelings

Whaat. I thought I was done with N for good, but maybe not just yet. He sent me 4 texts yesterday, basically ranting about how I'm being petty for holding a grudge against him and that I'm always trying to end our friendship over "every little thing". Ohh, so not FREAKING talking to me for TWO months is petty and little? Ooook. WTF.

We hashed it out going back and forth with texts, and it basically ended in both of us saying we miss each other. My, how things can change so suddenly and quickly. He still explained his absence by citing personal reasons, saying he just needed to be alone for a bit. He then revealed he also wanted a break (I guess from me) because he had hoped I would find someone I deserve (he thinks I deserve better than him, which may be true, but we can't help who we like, right?). What made him think I would magically find someone in 2 months when I haven't found anyone in all these YEARS, I don't know. Makes NO sense. He should just realize what I did a long time ago, which is that no one wants me. Ever.

While we somewhat smoothed things over, I couldn't help but let him have it over deciding we need a break. First of all, friends don't take breaks, only people who are dating or in relationships do that, of which we were neither. Second, if a break is needed, those two people should decide that TOGETHER. He just decided on his own, and I didn't get the memo for 2 months. SOOO WRONG.

Well, I haven't heard from him at all today since the texting last night. He's probably not saying anything on purpose because he wants me to call him. He always gets on my case about never calling him. I'm just not the type of person who calls people. Not to mention I have psychological issues and think I'm not worth a dime, which makes it difficult to initiate communication. Since I think I'm worth zilch, I figure if people want to talk to me, they'll call me. If they don't want to talk to me, they won't call. I don't have the self-esteem to call people because I don't think they really want to hear from me, and I always just feel like I'm being a bother. That's just the way I am and I can't change that, so if that's a deal breaker for him, then oh well. I'm sure he's got loads of other girls who call him all the time, so I don't know why it even matters if I don't call. As long as we talk, who cares who called who?

Anyways, I still have mixed feelings about this situation. Just the other day, I was all gung-ho about being done with him and this whole situation, but then I became depressed at the thought of it really being over. Even though I had moved on during the no communication phase, I guess I still had this tiny, tiny piece of hope somewhere in my mind that he would contact me again at some point, and I was right because he did. But I had a lot of anger built up towards him and let him have it, and I told him that we weren't friends anymore but that I wished him the best. That's when it sunk in that I may have truly ended if for good because I had just shattered that tiny piece of hope. There would be no going back from that. Just as I was sitting at home depressed is when he sent me those 4 texts. Every time I think it's really done, he shows up. So, I guess I'm glad he is back in my life, but I'm also scared of what that means (emotional roller coaster, heartache, turmoil, devastation...perhaps a bit dramatic, but sadly somewhat true).

OMG did I really just sit here and analyze this whole situation? What a waste of time! He's not giving a second thought about all of this. He doesn't care he dropped me for 2 months. He just wants me back and doesn't want me to be mad about it, no matter what he did. Typical guy, nothing is ever their fault, oh noo. (rolls eyes)

Honestly, I don't know where this will go. No, that's not true. We're just friends, so we'll start talking again, and maybe we might even see each other again. I have no idea about the physical stuff, so I'm going to avoid thinking about that for now. But one thing I can be certain of is that his feelings haven't changed. He may like me, but he still won't risk dating me in fear of losing the friendship, plus he thinks I deserve better. So, I do NOT need to go wild, thinking that he'll magically want me to be his girlfriend at some point. If he hasn't wanted me to be his girlfriend for this long, it's never going to happen. Period.

I just need to keep in mind that I'm no one's first choice and that I'm meant to be alone, so I better get used to it and stop hoping for more for myself.

8:09 p.m. - Thursday, Jul. 25, 2013


previous - next

latest entry





other diaries: