The Deep End

I feel so alone.

N hasn't bothered to contact me in 3 weeks. Not a word. I thought I meant something to him, but it couldn't be clearer that I don't. He changed his profile picture on Facebook, and it's of him in a black dress shirt with a black tie. He never wears that kind of stuff, so he must have been wearing it for a date with the new girl that he likes so much that he's even dressing up for her. Seeing that picture killed me on the inside because he looked so good, but he's not mine anymore. He technically never was, but I did have him mostly to myself for 2 years. Plus I don't care what he says, what we had very relationshipy. But now someone else has taken my place, and she gets to see that face, hear that voice, and be close to that body all the time.

I just can't seem to let him go and move on. I am so stuck, but I am getting a tiny bit better. I was in a mostly good mood today, but here I am now, writing this miserable entry and crying my eyes out. At least I wasn't doing that all day like I have been. What the hell is wrong with me? I'm starting to think I might need antidepressants because I can't move on and I'm so incredibly sad. The days just drag on and the future seems so bleak. I used to love and be obsessed with summer, but now it seems endless and dreadfully boring and lonely.

I had such a rough time last summer with taking summer graduate classes and dealing with N starting a relationship with an older woman. I had no idea I would be going through something similar (but worse) in a year's time. This time, he's cut me out of his life completely.

Last summer was tough in the beginning, but it was still better than this one because my best friend wasn't working at all, so we were always together. We would go swimming at the lake, stay up late watching movies and getting drunk, sleep most of the next day and repeat. Last summer, I had things to do and my best friend to be with. This summer, there is no one. My best friend is back in the swing of working 3 jobs, so I don't see her that much. I haven't even been to her house (the scene of many drunken nights) in ages. I practically lived there last summer!

I think all of this is so hard on me because I used to have people who wanted to be around me and spend time with me, and that made me feel wanted, like I was a good friend and a fun, worthwhile person to be around. But now, I don't have anyone making me feel wanted or worthwhile. Yes, indeed, all of that stuff should come from within, but it obviously DOES NOT for me. I get my sense of worth and validation through other people, and now that N has stopped talking to me, my best friend is always too busy to hang out with me, and my sister is off in Spain, I HAVE NO ONE. It's been so boring and lonely that I almost can't stand it. I want to be happy on my own, but I don't know how to make that happen. It seems I am only depressed and distraught on my own. Man, I've got issues! This sounds so horrible. I've gone off the deep end!

But, my sister is coming back this Friday after being away for 3 months in Spain. I have been so excited for her to come back (so maybe I won't be so bored always being by myself), but her latest emails have dampened some of that excitement. She's had so much fun is Spain making new friends, traveling, and having great experiences that she's sad to be leaving. She definitely misses the family and can't wait to see us, but she even said she almost wishes she could stay a few more months. I'm afraid she's going to come home and be disappointed because it's not as fun here as it is in Spain.


11:31 p.m. - Monday, Jun. 03, 2013


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