Ok, what the F. I haven't heard from N in almost 2 weeks! 2 weeks ago, he desperately wanted me to visit him in his new place, but he cancelled on me in favor of hanging out with his loser friends that he sees all the time. He cancelled on me, even though he hasn't seen me in almost 2 months! :( Not only that, I haven't heard from him since he cancelled. He usually never goes this long without texting me, so this can only mean he's found a new girl. The only time he drops off the face of the Earth is when he's interested in someone else. :C

For some reason, I can't help but think I'll never hear from him again. I could grow a pair and text him first, but I have psychological issues. I don't think I'm worth 2 cents, so I rarely text people (aka, guys) first. My rationale is that if they want to talk to me, they will reach out. If they don't, they don't want to hear from me, so why bother them? I'm also afraid of what I'll hear if I do text him. If he hasn't bothered to contact me for this long, no doubt I'll hear that he's been busy with a new girl whom he thinks is brilliant, sexy, perfect, everything he's ever wanted. Basically, what I'll hear is that I wasn't everything he wanted. :c

Sigh. If he is preoccupied with a new girl, so be it. What hurts more is that we're supposed to be friends. How can that be true if he can go months without seeing me and weeks without talking to me? That doesn't sound like friends. He used to constantly text, call, and want to see me. He used to say that I mean a lot to him, and that he thinks about me all the time. That just can't be true.

Even though I just survived another year of graduate school and have gotten my Master's degree and now I'm out for the summer, I am utterly miserable. I was so looking forward to the summer and being done with school, but it couldn't be off to a worse start. I thought once I had nothing but free time, I would have many opportunities to visit N. At this rate, I don't think I'll see him all summer, if ever again. :C

Of course, I can't help but reminisce on all the good times we've had over the past 2 summers...endless nights watching Curb Your Enthusiasm, fooling around, hanging out with his grandparents at their lake house, going out on the lake on the boat...all of that is gone. I guess it was fun while it lasted.

Even though I knew we were just "friends with benefits", and I knew that what we had would eventually come to an end, I still wasn't prepared for it. We were "together" for over 2 years (though we both did sleep with other people within that time frame). I guess that's a lot longer than most FWB situations last, so maybe I should consider myself lucky. I guess I just didn't expect the friendship to suddenly end for no reason. I could be totally wrong about why he hasn't contacted me...maybe he got a new phone and he lost my number. I'm just afraid I haven't heard from him because he has moved on with someone new and has no need for me anymore. :C

But I must have meant something to him, right? No guy "hangs out" (aka, spends a lot of time with, has sex with, visits in another town, etc.) with a girl for 2 years if he doesn't even somewhat care for her, right? I mean, he even came to visit me while I was away at school, an hour and a half away from where he lives! Guys wouldn't do that for just anybody, right? Ughh, I don't know.

Anyways, I've been very sad and depressed because of all of this. I mean full on crying at night before I go to sleep, crying as soon as I wake up, and fighting off tears during the day (sometimes unsuccessfully). I just feel like I've been abandoned and that he's totally forgotten me. I even told him once that I love him. He knows how I feel about him, yet he's gone. That just tells me that my love is not worth anything to anybody, that it's worthless. I already hate myself, so this just reinforces how unloveable and unwantable I am. And now I'm eating a ton of Doritos and drinking vodka sodas. Boooo

10:04 p.m. - Friday, May. 24, 2013


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