On My Own

I feel like I am nothing.

Since I know I'll always be alone, I devised my own plan of having a baby. Years ago, I read in a magazine about a woman who decided to have a child on her own by going to a sperm bank. With that in mind, I've decided that at age 30, I'll go to a sperm bank and have a baby on my own. Even though I'm only 24 now, I know I won't find anybody to love me by age 30. If no one has ever been interested in me in 24 years, I don't see that changing in the next 6. Even though I know I'll never find a significant other, I still want kids, so I have decided to have kids on my own, like the woman from the magazine article.

When I told my mom about my plan, she thought it was ridiculous. She said I'm young, beautiful, and smart, and I shouldn't be thinking like this. She said I should not give up so easily and that I should hire a personal trainer to lose weight because according to her, that's how I'll get a boyfriend. "Men like slim, fit women," she said. What I heard is, "no one will ever love you as is." Even though I've been working out regularly at the gym for a while, I don't foresee a 75 pound (or an any pound) weight loss happening any time soon. I don't know why she says I've "given up" when I go to the gym and sometimes choose healthy meal options. I don't sit on the couch 24/7 eating bags of chips and gallons of ice cream. Even though I'm active, I still weigh an unlovable 197 pounds.

I told her that I should be loved as I am now, to which she replied, "that's not how it works." You have to be attractive (AKA SLIM) to get a mate, and she would not hear my logic about plenty of people bigger than me getting married. Women way bigger than me have boyfriends, get engaged, get married, and have kids. That tells me my weight is NOT the reason why no one has ever been interested in me. That tells me that there is something fundamentally wrong with me, something that cannot be changed, which is why I'm already, at 24, planning for a life of doing everything on my own. At least if I go to a sperm bank, I won't have to deal with the death or divorce of a spouse (both things my mom has dealt with).

I'm just trying to figure out how to do it on my own. I know it won't be the norm, but that's just the hand I was dealt.

10:27 p.m. - Sunday, May. 12, 2013


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