Bleak Future

I think I should give up the idea of wanting more with N.

All the happiness from hearing him talk like he might have feelings for me after all and from experiencing how affectionate he was when I visited him is gone. I got into an argument with my mom yet again. What about, you ask? Oh, that N isn't good enough for me, he's unmotivated and needs to man up and get an education and a real job, etc. The usual, basically. She told me I need to lose weight and find someone as equally educated as me. She's probably right. I have doubts about a relationship with N all the time. Even though I think that's what I want, I'm afraid of ending up in a situation just like my mom was in with my dad. She had to support the entire family because he didn't have a decent job, which really sucked when he got sick and disabled. My mom and her best friend were talking at dinner tonight, saying that resentment builds when the partnership is unequal like that. I can agree with that. I haven't minded paying for things for N because I'm just glad to have a male want to hang out with me as much as he does. But I can see how over time, that might get old. Him working a dead-end part-time job and having many days off during the week in which he can smoke pot and play video games for hours (while I bust my tail all day, every day) would also get very old.

What am I even talking about? I'm acting as if we might actually start a relationship. That's never going to happen. N may sort of have feelings, but as usual, I'm not his first choice. Every time the idea of us in a relationship comes up, he speaks with nothing but doubt and uncertainty. "I don't think it would work out". "That puts a lot of pressure on me to make it great since I would be your first boyfriend" "You deserve someone with a better job or someone who's in graduate school, like you". I've heard him have more intense feelings, certainty, and interest in a relationship with coworkers he barely knows. With them, he's sure he wants a relationship, with me, he's not. He may talk all day about how great I am, all the great qualities I have, and how I would be his ideal girlfriend, but yet, it's still not enough to make him want to be with me. I'm not good enough, I'm not the first choice. Nobody ever wants me. This is nothing new.

So, what does all of that mean? It just means that I'm going to be alone, simple as that. I'll never be able to lose the weight I need to in order to attract someone of my own caliber, and the one person who does like me exactly the way I am (and whom I like more than he likes me) doesn't want a relationship with me. All of that adds up to me being alone, as usual. I know I should be used to it by now, but apparently loneliness and feeling unwanted are not things you get used to. It still hurts no matter how much time goes by.

I can't take this. Never being first choice, no one ever really wanting me. I think I need to start putting up walls and pushing people away, not letting them get close at all. I want to shut down and not have any feelings whatsoever. I don't want to feel empty, lonely, and unloveable like I do. I don't want to feel at all. Push everyone away and make them hate me so then they won't even have the chance to reject me.

Sigh. It doesn't help that N just sent me texts about us both being single and being allowed to sleep around if that's what we want to do, because that's our right as single people. He said it may sometimes feel like we're a couple, "but we're not", so we "shouldn't care if the other wants to sleep around," although he does "enjoy having me around". It sounds to me like he's reinforcing the idea of us staying single and being allowed to sleep around, even though I just told him I have no desire to add to my number whatsoever. I bet he just hung out with his loser friends and a girl he mentioned he was interested in was there. After seeing her and talking to her, I'm sure he's thinking she's so cool and amazing, so he'll want to see if anything develops between them.

Whatever. I'm through wanting anything for myself as far as love. If ever I develop feelings for someone, I can assume with 100% accuracy that he won't want me, so my feelings are pointless, useless, and a waste of time. I just know it's never going to happen, so I need to stop hoping and wanting. I need to stop being selfish and constantly thinking about myself and wanting someone to love me. No one is going to love you, you big fat idiot, so stop even trying. How fucking stupid you are to even think for a second that N might have wanted more with you. It's a fruitless endeavor that needs to be abandoned immediately.

I also need to stop confiding in people. My mom, my best friend, my sister, anyone. They don't care or need to know what's going on. No one cares about anything that's going on with me anyway, so I'm just not going to share anything with anyone anymore. I usually don't like what I hear in response to what I say anyway, so I'm going to keep my yap shut.

Time to shut down Ashley. She's closed for good. Yeah, 2013 is looking to be another wonderful year filled with nothing.

10:59 p.m. - Friday, Jan. 04, 2013


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