Worst New Year EVER

Well, I really know how to ruin things and start off a new year HORRIBLY.

Got super drunk last night, and apparently when I get that drunk, I become argumentative and hateful. My friend N (the guy I think I love) had called me twice, so I called him back in my drunken state (BAD IDEA), and proceeded to say who knows what (I don't remember most of it), though I know I said "fuck you" a lot. I even got into an argument with my mom and said horrible things to her, and my mom is my most favorite person in the whole world! I don't know what the hell is wrong with me and why I would say such things just because I'm drunk. Anyways, after speaking with a forked tongue to everyone, I puked all over my room and my best friend, who then threw up as well. Absolute catastrophe.

My mom and sister basically staged an "intervention" the next morning, saying they're worried about me and the drinking. They actually think I have a drinking problem just because of one bad night. It's not like I do this all the time. In fact, I don't drink that much at all because I'm usually in school. Okay, I may have been drinking a bottle of wine a night by myself lately, but I'm out of school and it's the holidays! Who doesn't drink on holiday? And it's not like I'm putting myself in dangerous situations; I'm literally drinking my wine with my ass on my mom's couch, reading my new JK Rowling book. I don't need it to function every day and it hasn't affected any area of my life (well, I guess it has affected my friendships...). But, my mom is worried about me because she's afraid I'm going to become an alcoholic. She wants me to "be clean for 2013", so I had to promise her I won't drink at all. That's probably for the best any way because I've gained a lot of weight from drinking, so maybe I'll actually lose some weight since I won't be taking in those calories anymore.

Anyways, my friend N sent me six texts the next morning, and I was terrified for hours to read them because I knew what they would say. When I finally did read them, I was right. N was so angry at me that he threatened never to speak to me again if I didn't apologize. He said I become another person when I drink, and I treat him so horribly. This has happened before, and he's sick of it. I was rude, disrespectful, offensive, and childish. He used to consider me one of his closest friends, but now he's not so sure.

Yeah, I was so embarrassed and ashamed. I don't even want to know what I said to him last night on the phone. I apologized profusely, and I meant it. I even told him that I'm going to remove myself from his life because he deserves better from someone who is supposed to be his friend. He had every right to be upset with me because this has happened more than once. In my many apologies, I told him I don't know where all those hateful things come from or why I would say those things because he knows I love him. I've only mentioned that I "might" love him once before, but this was full on admission. I'm not afraid to admit it anymore. I don't care if he feels the same or if he wants me or not. I just love him, period.

He said I'm a wonderful person, so it just shocks him when I act like that. Hell yeah, shocks me too. Like wtf. He seemed to accept my apologies and recognize that they are sincere. He even said, "and you know that you are loved". I'm not sure if he meant loved by him, or if he meant everyone still loves me, even though I had a bad moment. He also said he misses me and thinks about me all the time. I'm probably reading too much into the things he's said today. He said just recently that he "knows the difference" between what's love and what's not, and I assumed that meant whatever we have isn't the real deal for him. I don't think I'm IN love, though I wouldn't know what that's like. All I know is I do love him.

I feel so badly that I treated someone I love so horribly. Treating someone like a piece of shit doesn't sound like love. From now on, I want to act from the heart and with nothing but love. Even if I get jealous because he found someone he likes better, I am going to be loving and supportive, not a jealous, hateful bitch. Nothing has changed. We're still just friends, though barely because I almost ruined it all. Sigh. Happy New Year.

9:56 p.m. - Tuesday, Jan. 01, 2013


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