My heart feels crushed. N texted me saying that his female friend came into town to visit him for the day today. He's mentioned this woman before because they used to have a FWB situation, much like the one I'm currently in with N. He has said in passing that they've had sex "more times than he can count", and I'm also pretty sure she was the one he was referring to when he told his best friend that a woman he was with years ago used to "rock his world" and was the "best sex" he's ever had. I'm sure he and his female friend had sex today when she visited.

I'm such an IDIOT to think he was implying at wanting more with me the last time I visited him. Why would he want me as a girlfriend when he already gets everything he wants out of me for free PLUS he gets to sleep with other women, too? I'm such a fool. Hearing she visited actually made my stomach hurt. I don't know why I ever got involved with him because we're not a match at all. We hang out with different crowds, we are on different life paths, and we just aren't the same type of people. I have a four-year degree, he never went to college. I'll have my Master's plus 30 by age 25, and he's stuck in a dead-end minimum wage job. I am a normal "good girl", whereas he smokes pot every day with a group of loser friends (which includes a 30-year-old guy who is unemployed, lives with his dad, and is $90,000 in debt...what a winner!).

Then again, I'm such a hypocrite. Just last night, I was making out with C on his bed, yet here I am, upset that N had a female friend visit him for the day. I just know they had sex, though. I didn't have sex with C, even though I easily could have. I'm obviously too emotionally involved to be in the FWB situation. It just doesn't work for me because I get jealous when I have no right to be, yet at the same time, I'm a huge hypocrite.

I think I need to let him go completely. I don't want to see him anymore, so forget any more trips to see him. I've put way too many miles on my car for him, and for what? What have I gotten out of a "friendship" or whatever the fuck this is with him? Not much. The whole thing usually revolves around him. I've been through some of the worst stress in my life being in graduate school, but do I get support for that? No, I get to play the counselor as he goes on and on about the situation with his dog. There is not a mutual give and take in this friendship. He gets all of the benefits of a friend whereas I get nothing in return. I don't want to talk to him anymore. I won't be able to avoid it completely, so I'll be vague and short in texts, or sometimes not respond at all.

I don't want him in my life anymore, and I especially don't want him in my mind anymore. I want him gone because he's not worth all of this heartache.

9:39 p.m. - Sunday, Dec. 30, 2012


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