"It" (No, not the clown)

So, I had a nice "date" with a male friend, C. We went and saw The Hobbit and had dinner afterwards. Sadly, I couldn't stop thinking about N the whole time (my FWB whom I think I love). It's really awkward to be on a date with someone, yet you can't stop thinking of someone else. When C took my hand in his and held it for most of the movie (we're talking what, almost 3 HOURS??), it felt so strange. I am so used to N and have everything physical about him memorized: what his hands look and feel like, what his nails are shaped like, etc. I'm familiar with N's hands. The hand I had in mine this evening felt unfamiliar and foreign, and I didn't like it, often wishing he would let go.

The dinner wasn't any better because C spent most of it staring at me and smiling, and when I asked, "what?" (in my head it was, 'WTF are you staring and smiling at, please stop, omg'), he just said, "nothing. Just enjoying the view." That's sweet and all, and what girl doesn't want to hear that (especially one who feels the size of a silverback gorilla), but it just felt all wrong. His comments didn't move me, as if I were at a distance and they fell short of reaching me, whereas N whispering, "you're beautiful," as he looked into my eyes after kissing me, hit me at close range right in the heart and melted me to the core. That sounds a bit dramatic and like I'm trying to sound poetic, but whatever.

I mean, you just KNOW when someone has "it" or not. What "it" is exactly, I'm not sure. All I know is that C doesn't have "it". He's nice enough and I enjoyed my time with him, but I'm not interested in more with him, even though he clearly wants more with me. Same thing with my male friend, Joe. He's literally been in love with me for years, no joke, but I have known from day one (back in elementary school) that he just doesn't have "it" for me. Case in point: I hung out with Joe for the first time in years the other day because I had no other choice. He had gotten me a Christmas gift, and I couldn't say, "no, I don't want your gift because I don't even want to see you," even if that's what I was really thinking. So, I sucked it up and agreed to watch a movie with him at his house. I'm not being mean, but everything about Joe physically repelled me. Everything was just telling me, NOOOOOO. I think that must have been Evolution telling me his genes are unfit for reproduction, thus making him seem highly undesirable to me. In direct contrast, everything about N invites me in: his face, the sound of his voice, his smell, everything. Everything draws me in and wants him to be closer. Know what I'm saying?

Anyways, I always get like this when I'm away from N. I idealize him and make him out to be greater and more wonderful than he actually is. He's definitely got some wonderful qualities about him, yet I most often find myself disappointed in his presence. Disappointment is what happens when what you dream up doesn't match up with reality.

10:29 p.m. - Friday, Dec. 28, 2012


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