Not a Minute

Had a wonderful Christmas yesterday, though I spent most of the day depressed, thinking about N. I hadn't heard from him in a couple of days, and I knew I wouldn't on Christmas Day because he would be all wrapped up with his family. I thought of him having so much fun with his family: his grandparents, his mom and siblings, his aunt and cousins visiting from Chicago and New York all having fun up at the lake house. I wished I could be with them all, too, but I'm not part of their family, even though I've often been there for many birthdays and celebrations. That's not to say I wasn't having fun with my own family, but it did seem a little boring with just the four of us (mom and sisters). It didn't seem as Christmasey without family from out of town visiting.

But, I did hear from him, a simple "Merry Christmas!" text. It was enough to lift my spirits just to know he thought of me, at least for a moment. I had successfully distanced myself from wanting more with him, realizing we're not a match in many ways, but ever since my last visit, in which we had some really intimate moments, I'm back to wanting him more than ever. I also desperately want to see him again. I'm just waiting for him to text me, asking when I can come visit him again, even though I just visited him last week. Hopefully, I'll get to visit him one more time before I have to go back to school and the spring semester starts, and life as I know it is over.

Damn, I sound so pathetic! What's wrong with me? When I'm not with him, I want to be with him more than anything, but when I AM with him, I often find myself bored, turned off, annoyed, etc. He'll have his annoying, loser friends over to the apartment, bore me to tears playing video games, talk endlessly about people and situations I know nothing about, have a road rage moment, etc. It's less than ideal, but there are always a few shining moments that override any bad ones, and it's enough to keep me hooked and wanting more.

Sigh. I know I won't hear from him any time soon, and if he does have any days off coming up, I doubt he'll ask me to visit since I was just there. He'll probably want to spend that time hanging out with his loser friends, smoking pot. Oh well. I had some fun while I had time off from school, and soon I'll be back to the grind and so busy that my mind won't have time to obsessively think about and long for him. Slowly but surely, I'll go back to being ok not hearing from him for days or seeing him for months at a time. But for now, not a minute goes by that he's not on my mind.

2:43 p.m. - Wednesday, Dec. 26, 2012


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