Love is Patient

Ok, now I'm going crazy thinking about N. He's all I can think about ever since he whispered in my ear, "if we're just friends, why are we holding and kissing each other like this?" Him saying that makes me think he wants more than friendship after all.

Who am I kidding? No, he doesn't! I haven't even heard from him at all since yesterday morning. I wish I could take back what I said about us not being a match and it not working because he'll probably never bring the idea of more up again, if that's even what he was getting at. I can't even believe he said that in the first place because just a week or two ago, he told me on the phone that he "knows the difference" between what's love and what's not, and apparently what's between us is not love for him. Even so, I was lying; I do want him. No, we may not necessarily be a match, but I want him, and I want him so very badly. I know he doesn't want me, though. I was drunk at the time he whispered in my ear, so I'm probably not even remembering what he said correctly.

I know he's probably Bipolar and OCD, so I know he's got major issues (not to mention an STD). He sounds all wrong for me just saying those three things. Besides, I know being with him probably wouldn't be the greatest. He's got a wandering eye and thinks every woman is hot or beautiful, and he practically falls in love with every woman who is nice to him and talks to him (ok, I may be exaggerating a little). I wouldn't feel secure being with him. I would constantly be worried about him being more attracted to someone else. I would also be constantly worried about his anger - little things (like the GPS falling off the window) can set him off and make me uneasy and uncomfortable around him, like I'm on eggshells and must tread lightly. That's not how life should be.

Not to mention, he also smokes POT on a daily basis (sometimes with his loser friends!), does not have a college degree, and currently works for around minimum wage grooming dogs. I'm about to have a Master's degree, and he himself says that he "barely made it out of high school". Uhh yeah, definitely not a match. And while the sex is good, I still never orgasm. He's given me one in a year and a half. Not satisfying. That alone makes me wonder why I still have sex with him...

Anyways, most of the relationship is spent talking about him and his life and supporting him. I usually don't talk or say much about myself see, since I'm normal and stable, there's never a crisis to report about at length. I'm always fine. End of story. He, however, always has something going on, something big, like the thing with his dog. Because he doesn't make enough money to pay rent on a house with a backyard, he can't keep his own dog. He's already put his dog off on other people for as long as he can, and now he's out of options. Truly, he didn't want to do that and would take care of his dog himself if he could, but he's just not in the right place to be able to do that right now.

So, I don't know why I want him. Maybe it's because he actually makes me feel wanted, even though I'm overweight and not considered attractive by most guys. Sure, I've got a cute face and I'm "cuddly," but guys my age want a girl who is "hot", and that's definitely not me. According to him, though, I drive him crazy with how sexy I am, and he frequently looks me in the eyes and tells me I'm beautiful. Definitely not hearing that anywhere else. The attraction is definitely mutual...I love just staring at his face. It's also nice to have someone to hold, kiss, and be intimate with. Humans love and crave the touch of other humans, so yeah, it feels good.

But Sigh. I know he's not it. I'll just have to keep waiting (patiently) for the One who is.

12:19 a.m. - Monday, Dec. 24, 2012


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