Letting Go

Turned 24. Family threw me a really nice birthday party. Even though I had been really depressed and not in the mood to celebrate the day before my birthday, I had a really good time and was actually happy on my birthday.

I think I am slowly but surely letting go of N. I still think about him constantly, but at least I'm not crying at the thought of him not wanting me like I used to. Just thinking about him not wanting me used to immediately spring tears to my eyes and pain in my heart, but now I'm just like...nope, he doesn't want me. Oh well. Dry eyes. Heart unfazed.

I'm not saying this phase of being okay will last forever. It's probably going well because I haven't talked to him on the phone or seen him in person lately; we've only exchanged a handful of texts. I can't avoid him forever because we are friends, and when I do talk to him or see him, I know I will take several steps backwards because just the sound of his voice and the sight of his face will make me want him just as much as I've always wanted him, and it'll hurt to have to remind myself that he'll never be mine, and it'll hurt to listen to him talk about wanting other girls. I'll have to start the whole distancing process over again, and that'll be rough.

I guess I'll try to avoid talking to him on the phone or seeing him in person for as long as I can before he realizes I'm intentionally avoiding him. Dunno what I'll do if he calls me out on it...lie and say I've just been busy, not that I'm avoiding him. I am in graduate school, so that excuse would probably fly. Blegh this is getting annoying.

11:09 p.m. - Sunday, Nov. 04, 2012


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