Come Back to Me

I don't know who I am anymore.

My best friend has a new roommate, who happens to be a single, 29 year-old male. We all hung out the other night and cooked dinner together, watched movies, etc. I, of course, got drunk off of many vodka shots. My being drunk resulted in me having sex with the roommate, someone I barely know.

A little over a year ago, my friend with benefits, N, offered to be my first kiss. Yes, a little over a year ago, I had never even been kissed. Look how far I've come! Isn't that great? No, it really isn't. I wish I could go back. Anyways, I agreed to let N be my first kiss, and you should have seen me! I was terrified, and it literally took forever before I let him try anything. Now, it's as if I've gone insane with the whole sleeping with guys I barely know thing. That's so slutty and unsafe! And NOT WHO I AM. While my true self is not afraid to be kissed anymore, my true self does not like "sleeping around". I like being with N and that's it. I don't want any of these other people. And just so you don't think I'm a total slutty slut slut, I've been with 5 guys. That's not totally terrible. Even so, I regret all but 2 of them.

So, what to do? Well, I'm going to try and get back to who I used to be. That means I'm going to drink a lot less, if at all. I drink to mollify my emotional problems (which are always still there when I sober up, of course), but as you can see, it also creates newer, bigger problems...which makes me want to drink more, and thus we have a vicious cycle. Time to cut that out. Also, no more sleeping with guys I barely know. The roommate was my last opportunity anyway, so I don't think this will be a hard rule to follow. The only person I really want to be with is N, my friend who doesn't want me. And no, I can't solve that problem right now. I will keep being an idiot in that regard.

I'm on my way back to me!

12:22 a.m. - Sunday, Oct. 21, 2012


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