Damn, I'm stupid and pathetic. And how is that? Well, let me present the evidence:

Here I am, a girl who has literally complained for ten years about being alone, I'll never find anybody, whine whine, blah blah.

FINALLY, a nice guy who has a lot of great qualities (Marine, comes from great family, hardworking, generous, sweet, kind, funny, etc.) comes into my life and WHAAT-he likes me! He likes me A LOT! All of my prayers have been answered...RIGHT??

You would think so. Unfortunately, I still can't help the feelings I have for my friend...the one who wants to have sex, but not a relationship, with me ("I just don't think it would work out, and I don't want to lose you as a friend.").

I am reaaaaally stupid to be hung up on this guy because on paper, he is not what I would go for at all. He didn't go to college, and not only that, he bad mouths college, knowing full well I have a four year degree and that I'm currently busting my ass in graduate school. And because he didn't go to college, he currently works part time at PetsMart. In the grooming department. Did I forget to mention that he has long hair that he wears in a ponytail? A friend recently pointed out that it's kind of ironic that he spends all day cutting and grooming dogs' hair, but does nothing to his own. I honestly don't really care about his hair, but I am definitely attracted to guys with short hair. Had we not been friends first, his hair would have really put me off! He is also forever commenting on how hot other girls are, talking about their asses, etc. What girl wants to listen to that bull?

Despite these not so great qualities, after spending so much time with him, I can't help but be attached. I wish I weren't because then the fact that we aren't speaking right now wouldn't hurt so much. We aren't speaking because...well, I may have admitted to him on the phone a few days ago that I love him...AS A FRIEND. I did make that clarification. Somehow he knew what I was going to say before I even said it, though I don't see how he would know it. It's not like I stare deeply into his eyes, call him nonstop, or do anything to make him think I love him. In fact, I've been talking about this new guy a lot! How the hell would he know that I "love" him? Wtf.

It also doesn't help that I was slightly inebriated during the call, and he was high (not cool). I stupidly asked him if he loves me, to which he responded that he does, as a friend. Sigh. Some friend he is! Is it just a coincidence that after I say the L word, I don't hear from him for days? Maybe this is it and he's gone for good. I did call him out on how he treats me more than just a friend, which confuses the everliving daylights out of me. I may have forcefully told him not to hug me, kiss me, or touch me again, and that he has to find someone else for that stuff. Maybe he took me at my word and is leaving me completely alone, even though that's not what I meant. I meant that if we're just friends, we should be just friends. None of that extra stuff he's been doing to make me think there's more to what he feels than "just friends".


12:03 a.m. - Monday, Aug. 13, 2012


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