Second Choice

What am I, stupid?

Last year, I entered into a "friends with benefits" situation with a good friend of mine, after months of just making out. And WHY would I do such a thing? Everyone knows that bad things usually happen when friends start doing that kind of stuff together, and it usually ends with the friendship in ruins. Was I just too much of a nitwit to think about that stuff, or what?

At the time, I think I truly only saw this guy as a friend, though I was attracted to him. Of course, after being "intimate" for eight months now, I guess feelings developed somewhere along the way. Duh, how could they not? Plus, that's what usually happens in these situations! Of course, now I'm sitting over here having feelings for someone who won't return them. DUMMY!

I will say, though, that this friend of mine confuses me. He said at the start of this that "everything would stay the same," but as time has gone on, his behavior does not always match up with what he said. For example, I've met his whole entire family, including grandparents, whom I adore. I've even spent the night with all of them several times up at the grandparents' lake house.

My friend also described me as having "eyes of wonder, a beautiful face, a big, bright smile, and a beautiful body with great posture". That's far from what I actually look like, but WTF? Is that normal "fwb" behavior? I have also spent whole weekends with him where we go out to eat, go to the movies, and just hang out and have fun.

Still, despite all of the fun, I get depressed thinking about how, for some reason, he does not want me to be his girlfriend, despite how well we get along and everything we do together. Whatever. What a stupid situation to put myself in!

I just feel that I am always people's second choice, never their first. Even for graduate school, I got put on the wait list; I wasn't one of their first picks. I am so thankful I got in, but I still have doubts about myself and think that my school didn't really want me, but because one of their first choices didn't accept, they let me in as a "back up". Same thing with this friend of mine. He doesn't want me to be his girlfriend, but I'll do for now while he doesn't have one and while he's looking for someone else. I'm not good enough for first choice, so I'm second choice, as usual.

That kind of hurts.

9:35 p.m. - Tuesday, Mar. 27, 2012


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