A Plan

So...do you think God really does have a plan for all of our lives? You read in all of these Christian books and hear all of the tv evangelists say that God has this amazing plan for your life with wonderful things you cannot even imagine in store for you...is it true? I would love to think so, but I don't want to get my hopes up. I would love to think that God has a plan for me...a great job that I don't mind spending 40 years of my life doing, the perfect guy to marry and have kids with, a cute house at the beach. But really?

My mom is the best person I know, and frankly, her life has sucked, big time. She married too young at 19 and divorced 9 years later, only to rebound and marry and have a baby with a smooth-talking sociopath who was abusive, physically and emotionally. That marriage lasted 18 months, and it ruined the rest of her life. Her baby, her very first baby, a daughter, was ripped away from her in a custody battle because she couldn't afford to pay the lawyers (even after selling her washer and dryer, taking out student loans, and doing everything she possibly could to keep her baby), but the psycho sociopath had a rich family, and he won. He won, and then he raised their daughter to be just like him. Then, after all of this HELL, both of my mom's parents dropped dead within months of each other. So, my young mom was a new mother, had just gotten divorced and lost custody of her baby, and then both of her parents die. My mom then moved far, far away from that situation and met my dad. They got married and had me and my sister, and then my dad died 9 years later at the age of 35 after being in and out of hospitals. Once again, my mom was left alone to bear it all...2 young daughters, a mountain of debt.

Now...if God really does have a plan for all of us, why would he want that life for my mom? Why did she get that life? I'm often very afraid I will end up like her. Sure, I'll get married and have kids (my ultimate fear is that I won't), but it won't be what I want it to be like. I've never been in a relationship, so the whole getting married thing is a fantasy, an ideal in my head. The whole happily ever after kind of thing. It doesn't help that I did have the perfect example of this kind of relationship demonstrated to me by my grandparents (dad's side). They were married for 50+ years before my grandma passed away. They did it until death did them part, like it's supposed to be. Of course, it wasn't easy, not at all. They suffered a miscarriage and then their son, my dad, died before them at the age of 35. Parents aren't supposed to bury their children. They had their trials and tribulations, but they were made for each other, so it worked. So, I do know that relationships like that can happen, and I want it to happen to me, but with the divorce rate at 50%, I'm scared. Besides, men today are not like the men of my grandpa's generation. Men have such big egos these days (a la "The Situation"from Jersey Shore) and think they are so above women, degrading them by calling them bitches, etc. They are also obsessed with alcohol and sex. Why would I want to marry that??

I'll get married, have kids, and either get divorced or the husband will die. I'm afraid I'll end up alone. My mom relies heavily on my sister and I for company, and it's going to be very hard on her when we both move out for graduate school in the next several years. I'm afraid I'll be like that, except my kids will be the typical teenagers who don't want to spend time with their mom. My mom did get blessed in that way; my sister and I adore our mom and love to spend time with her, preferring her over our friends. We've always been that way. Perhaps our dad dying when we were so little glued us to her side.

I want to believe God has a wonderful future planned for me, but I'm scared. What if he doesn't?

10:42 p.m. - Thursday, Dec. 16, 2010


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