Sometimes I can be morbid, and this is one of those times.

I was just at my mom's best friend�s house watching that show called Taboo, and it was showing this overcrowded graveyard in the Philippines. The graveyard is so crowded that if you die, your family can rent you a space for only 5 years. When those 5 years are up, this guy comes to your gravesite, pops your little coffin open, and scrapes your bony remains out with his bare hands to make room for the next occupant. Apparently being sanitary isn't a big thing in the Philippines. Even so, the guy (who has been doing this job for 6 years) has never contracted any illnesses from handling the remains without gloves.

Anyways, another part of the show showed an autopsy, and this guy cut a dead guy's head open and pulled out his brain! Seeing the brain didn't scare me because I've had an Anatomy lab where I've sliced and diced sheep brains before, but this guy had just died. His brain had been working not too long before, but then there it was, being pulled out of his skull, fresh. Seeing that just made me think of my own body and how it will die one day. It made me sad because my body does such a good job-I' never sick, never broken a bone or anything. Still, one day it won't be able to do all of this anymore and it'll all stop. Then I got mad at myself because shouldn't I be doing everything I can to help my body do what it does for as long as it can? I should be exercising every day and eating as healthy as I can, but I don't do that, and my poor body suffers because of it. I'm not carrying around an extra 30 pounds for nothing! I keep that extra 30 pounds there when I eat those stupid french fries and sit on the couch after work instead of going to the gym. It made me sad to think that my poor heart has to work harder because of ME, because of what I've done to it. Sometimes I think of myself as separate from my body, but then I think, what am I? Am I my brain? I feel sorry for my body as if is something separate from me. Seeing the autopsy guy cut away all the fat on the cadaver also made me want to stop with the french fries and the soda. I hope this urge to be healthy is not just a temporary feeling from seeing that show. I have to remember, it wasn't just a show, that is life. People die. I will die. So, why not try and slow that process down as much as I can? What's scary is that the average life expectancy is 80 years, so that means I've only got about 60 years left, and who knows what kind of state I'll be in during those last years, right? What really kills me, seriously pains me, though, is the thought that my mom has much less time than that! She's 3 years shy of 60, which means she could possibly only have another 20 years left! I hope it's much much longer than that; I hope she lives to be 100+! But it is sooo scary to think that half of the years I have left to live will be without my mom. My mom is everything to me. I won't know what to do without her. Time is scary because you can�t do anything to stop it; it is relentless. Every second I get closer to death. That's a very morbid way of looking at things, but nonetheless true.

Okay, I think I've had enough death talk for today. On a brighter note, I hope to be going to the lake today and having a cookout with my bestest pal, kt. I just reaaaally hope the weather holds out and it doesn't rain.

2:37 AM - Saturday, Aug. 23, 2008


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