happyone's Diaryland Diary

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Money Makes the World Go Round

As someone who struggles with social anxiety (and some generalized), I really picked the wrong career for myself. I hate having to speak up in groups, but that's basically all my job is. Not only that, but I am expected to have a certain level of expertise about everything in my field. This year, I'll be working at a high school, which is a totally new environment for me. I've only worked at the elementary level, so I am very nervous about this new placement. I have been doing my job for going on the fifth year now, but this new placement makes me feel like I don't know what I'm doing and that's a bad feeling. I have an appointment coming up in early October to get some new anxiety medications. I have only been taking anxiety medications as needed, but this year I think I will need something every day.

Not only is my job not a good fit for my personality, it doesn't even pay that much. Now I know I shouldn't really complain because compared to a lot of people, I am lucky and do make a decent living. Even so, sometimes I feel like I live paycheck to paycheck. I have a friend who is currently in medical grad school, and she bragged that she will be making $150,000 per year once out of school. Her boyfriend also just graduated from law school, so he will be making lots of money too. She went on and on about the 2+ carat diamond ring that she expects and the big wedding she wants. She also talked about buying a beach house, which is something I've always dreamed of but will never be able to do because I can't afford it. Sometimes I wish I had gone to school for a better paying job and that my husband made better money, but that's not the way it went. I don't have a 2 carat diamond ring and I will never have a beach house or make $150,000 a year.

I really shouldn't complain because I know how much worse off I could be. My mom had to raise two children on a teacher salary as a single parent. I can't imagine! I have no idea how she did that. I should embrace what I have and not be jealous. It's just that Money is so important today. I have $69,000 of student loans that have now grown to $77,000, thanks to interest. I am hoping that my loans will be forgiven after working in the public school system for 10 years. If they aren't forgiven for whatever reason, I really will be screwed because I will probably owe more than when I started due to interest. I will owe so much that I will never be able to pay it off, and that's just a depressing thought. If I think I don't have much money now, I worry about how things will be once Nick and I have kids. They are freaking expensive!

I guess I should go to work now. I hope today isn't too bad. At least it is Friday and I have a three day weekend, thanks to the solar eclipse passing right over my state.

9:00 a.m. - Friday, Aug. 18, 2017

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